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What If...Your Favourite Films Had Their Budgets Slashed?

By Owen Nicholls

Posted on 21 Oct 10

 
 

Depending on your political preference and/or apathy, yesterday's governmental spending review was either:

a) 'Necessary, fair and will bring Britain back from the brink' (nice alliteration Georgie)
b) 'Too fast, too deep' (creepily sexual Alan) and likely to make Britain resemble Pottersville from It's A Wonderful Life
or
c) Just another part in the never-ending cycle of politics where one party gets a chance to mess things up for a bit until everyone gets bored and votes in the other lot. Lather, rinse, repeat.

The Cuts Will Be This Big
"The cuts will be THIS big"

Forgive us our cynicism, as we here at NME attempt to make light of the fact that close to 1,000,000 of our fellow Britons face redundancy and let's instead take a wry look at how our favourite films would look with a hairy giant axe-wound in them. No you grow up.



It's A Wonderful Life: Redux
In the original, lovely version everyman George Bailey is saved from suicide by an angel who shows him how life could have been 100 times worse had he never been born. Due to cuts the first thing to go are the special effects, which means no opening monologue of George's life and no angel sent to rescue him.

Instead everyone's favourite Christmas Film is replaced by the horror of a family man successfully ending it all on Christmas Eve at the bottom of a frozen river, leaving his wife without a husband and children without a father. SADDEST. FILM. EVER.

Verdict - Money Saved! Film Ruined!

Alien Vs Nothing
Picking the lesser of two evils is the challenge set for 20th Century Fox when the target of halving the budget is laid down. They can either have an Alien or they can have a Predator. They can't have both.

Thank Fuck! By having to concentrate on just one of the, once menacing, once impressive, classic monsters the film-makers finally turn in a product worthy of the names. Still, wouldn't be a lot for the Xenomorphs to do if they had no foe. Perhaps Alien Vs Kramer would have been better. Dustin Hoffman armed with divorce papers takes on Giger's creation. Hoffman loses.

Verdict - Money Saved! Film Saved!

Indiana Jones and The Raiders Of The Lost Arc: A Short Film
Trying to penny pinch wherever they can, locations, cast, effects, the scriptwriters revert back to looking at the plot and realise a glaring error.

If Indy sits at home and puts his feet up, the Nazis will never find the Arc of the Covenant and even if they do they'll all die in melty-faced fashion when they open it. Mr. Jones instead spends the 10 minute duration of the short film looking for a new job due to University cuts.

Verdict - Money Saved! Film Ruined!

Batman Free
Despite huge grosses for The Dark Knight, WB have to tighten their utility belts. The first thing to face the chop is the original personnel. Director Christopher Nolan is replaced by Micheal Winner, Chris O'Donnell replaces Christian Bale and Cuba Gooding Jr. steps in for the far-too-pricy Morgan Freeman.

With a 100% saving in both cast and crew, WB execs decide to spend all their money on extra nipples for the new Batman costume. Which now consists solely of leather chaps and nipple tassels.

Verdict - Money Saved! Film Ruined!

Wall Street: London Edition
In a mythical future where Britain's Chancellor of the Exchequer decides to raise tax on the banks over a whole per cent, all the banks immediately run away scared to Kazahkstan. London is now a desolate wasteland and the perfect setting for Oliver Stone's triumphant, 'Capitalism is Bad' threequel.

Verdict - No Money Saved! Film Ruined!

What say you? Any alternate reality films made better or worse by less moolah. Would Avatar have been improved if they'd just painted some tall humans blue?

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