You may have noticed that the suited, shouty people who live in a big house on the Thames have decided to call an election. Which is annoying for people who like to watch BBC News 24 without throwing up into their laps.
While our erstwhile leaders are churning out well-known song lyrics in order to gain our votes (“Don’t Stop Believing”, urged Gordon Brown, before David “I Is One Of The People” Cameron started espousing the work of the cast of High School Musical), over in movie-land candidates are far more transparent.
Perhaps a little too transparent…
V For Vendetta
Candidate – High Chancellor Adam Sutler
Party – Norsefire
Policies – Homosexuals will be rounded up and killed, books will be burnt and facism will reign. The kind of television opinion piece broadcasts that would make Fox News mess their Nazi underwear will also be allowed. Does that tickle your fancy? Then vote for High Chancellor Adam Sutler (John Hurt) and pals.
A Bit Like – The BNP
Candidate – Prime Minister
Party – New Labour (probably)
Policies – Ex-Eastenders stars with giant boobs for every pensioner in the country. Individuality for Britain by standing up to ignorant hick American President’s. The right for everyone to dance around like a tit.
A Bit Like – David Cameron, except less smug obviously. As a man who considers himself the ‘heir to Blair’ even the fact that Hugh Grant’s PM is supposed to be a Labourite hasn’t stopped DC copying his moves.
Candidate – William Wilberforce
Party – Conservative
Policies – Proving that not all Tories are complete cunts, William Wilberforce wants your vote. When slavery was not only the norm, but more profitable than being a political advisor to JP Morgan, WW was the one sole voice looking for change. Before you tick the ballot box as yes to Bill, the film neglects to mention he was anti-union, anti-feminist and voted to suspend habeas corpus. But then again you’ve got to toe the party line sometimes.
A Bit Like – Kenneth Clarke i.e. A Tory you can like. A bit.
In The Loop
Candidate – Simon Foster MP
Party – Labour
Policies – Flip-flopping about an illegal war, being bullied by Americans and scary Scottish Spin Doctor, not mending garden walls. Also being so wonderfully inept and painfully English makes him an ideal candidate for Tewkesbury. Or you could vote for Malcolm Tucker for PM. Imagine Prime Ministers Questions!
A Bit Like – Every politician whose name you don’t know.
Candidate – Stephen Fry
Party – Doesn’t Matter
Policies – He’d hate the job. Often on record as saying he’d make the worst PM ever makes him the ideal candidate. Only someone clever enough to know what a completely thankless task trying to run the country is should be allowed the role. Vote Fry!
A Bit Like – Hugh Laurie.
Owen Nicholls edits www.thisfilmison.com