After airing the films that made me happiest this year, now it’s all about the misery, the despair, the let-downs and the hanging-arounds. This list is to balance out the joy given to us by filmmakers who know what they’re doing, those that take time and effort and care. And, quite frankly, it’s much more fun to write about terribly terrible films.
So without further ado: The detritus, the distressing and the downright damaging of this year’s cinematic garbage pile. Enjoy!
10) Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Michael Bay said that he’d learned a lesson from Revenge of the Fallen. Michael Bay lied. In many ways DoftheM was just as painfully inept as RoftheF but with one massive anti-bonus. Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. It would be rude to suggest that some adult film stars have greater range than Rosie, because in actual fact ALL adult film stars have greater range than Rosie. And the majority of them would find Bay’s camera work embarrassingly intrusive.
Biggest Crime? Worldwide gross: $1,123,196,189. And Jesus wept.
9) Season of the Witch
My love for the batshit crazy antics of one Nicolas Cage are well documented, so a medieval Cage coupled with Ron Perlman on sidekick duties sounded like gold. Sadly, Season of the Witch was missing the bat and the crazy. With Drive Angry 3D failing to live up to its stupid/fun credentials and Trespass making many a year’s worst list, 2011 has proven an annus horribilus for Nic.
Biggest Crime? Only once does Nic perform his trademark voice going loud at THE END OF A SENTENCE!!!
8) The Help
Whipping up a storm of controversy for whitewashing history, the general argument for and against The Help went like this. “You’re a racist for not liking The Help!” “No you’re a racist for liking The Help!” “No you’re a racist!” Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Racism aside, its biggest crime was simply poor storytelling and cartoon-like characterisation. Don’t be surprised if it features far more heavily at this year’s Oscars than any film that centres around defecating into a dessert has any right to. In true Spinal Tap tradition all reviews should have been two simple words: Shit Pie.
Biggest Crime? The end credits song by Mary J. Bilge. As cheesy and bland as everything that went before.
7) The Hangover: Part II
Delusions of grandeur reared their head from the moment the sequel was labelled ‘Part II‘. Not only failing to live up to the ‘classic comedy’ status the original earned, the photocopied script actually makes the first film seem worse. Like meeting up with old friends and wondering why you liked them in the first place.
Biggest Crime? Crowbarring in everyone from Part I to repeat the same jokes. Even Tyson.
6) Battle: Los Angeles
Expectations were high for a decent Aliens Vs Humans smackdown to begin the year. Those expectations quickly evaporated. While the similarly themed Cowboys Vs Aliens saw its far share of criticism, at least it tried something a little different. Battle: LA on the other hand just recycled the same invasion peril you’ve seen a million times before. If I was a lesser man I’d have reviewed it as “Independence Gay”. But I’m not, so I didn’t.
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Biggest Crime? Being more boring than watching someone else play a video game.
5) Conan the Barbarian
Arnie may have done his best to shit on his own legacy this year, fucking everything from the nanny to California, but the biggest desecrating turd to his career came in the form of the remake of the film that made his name. Missing a trick, the film would have been aeons better if the casting director, instead of picking Games of Thrones star Jason Momoa, picked Game of Thrones star Peter Dinklage. In a word, barbaric.
Biggest Crime? Wasting Morgan Freeman’s time on the narration.
What’s more annoying than Russell Brand? Russell Brand in the CGI form of a rabbit. Despite taking the amazing risk of not being shown with his hair, Brand still managed to play Brand. And Hop actually proved to be Brand’s most successful film of the year. Maybe, until a decent project is presented, a step back to the box is required. And by ‘the box’ I mean TV, not Katy Perry.
Biggest Crime? Making the first film where if you had one bullet to kill a cast member it wouldn’t be James Marsden.
3) The Green Lantern
The tale of a “purple-headed man crash landing on Earth seeking a fearless man to enter his ring”, this latest Comic Book franchise died on its jolly green arse the second it was birthed. Treading an uneven line between po-faced seriousness and comedy shtick courtesy of sidekicks that make Jack Whitehall look funny, Green Lantern cost a reported $300m to produce. That’s a waste of $299,999,999.00. And one hundred cents.
Biggest Crime? The flashbacks. Oh God, the flashbacks.
2) Red Riding Hood
This retelling of the fairytale for Twilighters may have been the funniest film of the year. Problem was, it was aiming for classical rather than hysterical. Only Gary Oldman emerged with any dignity realising that if he played it with more ham he’d get a giggle. He knew what he was doing. Nobody else did.
Biggest Crime? Max Irons. And THAT village dance scene.
1) Sucker Punch
Offensive on so, so many levels, no film this year required as many showers to get clean of. Opening with a piss poor cover of Sweet Dreams – with the most rapey inflection over the lyrics “Some girls want to be abuuused” – the rest of Zach Snyder’s wank fantasy went from action scene to fetishist scenes of girls in peril with alarming speed. That the up-coming Superman wasn’t taken away from Snyder as punishment means we can probably expect the new film to show Lois Lane violated by a dildo made of Kryptonite.
Biggest Crime? Arguably the BBFC 12A Rating, but more so, those that were actually fooled by the ‘female empowerment’ argument. Garbage.
But what say you? Which films really pissed YOU off this year? Which films am I a “stupid, worthless, nimrod for hating”? After all it’s Christmas. If you can’t be venomous over the internet at the festive season when can you?