The best Cunk on Britain jokes: From Hard Ian’s wall to a jizz-filled King Arthur

Comedy genius Diane Morgan's incredible eye-rolling creation came out with some killer lines - here they are...

The first episode of Cunk on Britain was a total awkward joy from start to finish. Proof that satire is far from dead, the wide-eyed, tweed-wearing comic creation of Diane Morgan took us through the beginnings of British history against spectacular backdrops with help from a baffled selection of middle class academics. Here are the 10 jokes from the first of the five part series that had us rolling off our sofa in minor hysterics. You don’t get that with Grand Designs.

“Dinosaurs came in many flavours, just like kettle chips”

It’s funny ‘cos it’s true! See also, referring to the T-Rex as the Tyrannical Sawdust Rex. Well, it made us laugh.

“As well as boring, these were also shit”

Cunk’s searing hot take on early man’s stone hand axes and basic weapons and tools.

“Why did stone age people bury all of their stuff underground? Were they worried someone might steal it?”

It’s a fair question, but one which a slightly frustrated Professor Francis Pryor MBE answers by informing Cunk that “it wasn’t always underground – it was at the top.” A likely story, Francis.

“Stonehenge – early man’s finest achievement… a cross between Nemesis at Alton Towers, in that it was a spectacular attraction, and the queue for Nemesis at Alton Towers, in that it never fucking moves”

Stonehenge, as Cunk points out, was also used to tell the time and as such is the only clock you can see from space. Unless you have a clock in your spaceship.

“Before Snapchat, hills were the best way to distribute dick pics to a wide audience”

Cunk is of course talking about the “decorative pervert” that is the chalk Cerne Abbas Giant in Dorset, which she refers to as “the second crudest hill in British history, after Benny.”

“Hard Ian’s wall”

You know, the massive wall at the southern edge of Scotland that the Romans built to protect Britannia.

“King Arthur came a lot, didn’t he?”

It’s an easy mistake to make. Dr Laura Ashe from Oxford University – who, brilliantly, almost breaks her studied poker face numerous times – puts Cunk straight however, pointing out that Camelot is where he held his court. “But do we know if he came a lot, or just the same as an average man, like, about a tablespoon?” asks Cunk, reasonably.

“Probably because they had the Jorvik Viking Centre”

The real reason the Vikings settled in York. Makes sense when you think about it.

Robert Peston being baffled

Cunk’s bored teenager reaction to politics buff Peston’s inability to name the most political thing that’s ever happened in Britain.

“It’s just like being there – but in wool”

Cunk’s spot-on description of the Bayeux Tapestry.

Cunk On Britain is on Thursdays at 10, BBC2