Underachievement - Chapter 1 is now up!

[Cripple Crow]

Big Deano Pacino

[Crackity Jones]

Originally Posted by Revol44

Could you go into detail about how it's "poorly written" please?

For a start the second (?) paragraph character introductions are cringeworthy. I've seen more rounded rulers (GUFFAW). It's just very clunky. It's like the introduction to a childrens TV show where they some up the characters in a few easy to digest words/stereotypes. Like the inbetweeners but without any wit. There's zero flare, nothing to keep you reading after those first two paragraphs, no interesting characters, nothing even set up apart from some random selection of names. You need something to really start it off. Have you ever read a book? Picking up 2 off my shelf I got these openining

'We are somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs begin to take hold...'

and

'Hale knew, before he had been in Brighton three hours, that they meant to murder him'

You know. Something actually engaging or interesting. Poetic n that. Although Dan Brown manages it so what do I know?

[Icarus Smicarus]

It did make me think of the narration from The Inbetweeners at times actually.

Definitely rename the character so he doesn't sound like he's from The Beano though. Even just removing the 'big' would be a good start. And maybe beef up the language in parts so it doesn't read like a children's book.

[Crackity Jones]

Yeah, nothing like a couple of "cunts" to make it edgy.

[jaxxon]

Prove it .

[Operation Uranus]

Big Deano Pacino seems to be a really really really shite version of Holden Caulfield. I couldn't read anymore than 2 and abit paragraphs, it's just not engaging at all. What a sonovabitch!

[Red Candle Bulb]

yeah, not engaging at all. reads like a school creative writing essay, which works sometimes but not when the character's meant to be an utter cunt. language needs some real grit. also, pretty sure the 5 year old comment wasn't a comment on his maturity, more on the way he talks.

"This is my story of the laughs and jokes I had at Woodview Road College back when I was seventeen. Before I start, I'll let you know how I got there in the first place."

for starters, what protagonist (of your description) says "laughs and jokes"? and the "before i start" thing is just cringeworthy, too much "i did this, this is what i thought, then i did that etc etc etc", all writing, bar kids writing, needs at least a certain degree of abstraction.

[Ida Arnold]

Originally Posted by Crackity Jones

For a start the second (?) paragraph character introductions are cringeworthy. I've seen more rounded rulers (GUFFAW). It's just very clunky. It's like the introduction to a childrens TV show where they some up the characters in a few easy to digest words/stereotypes. Like the inbetweeners but without any wit. There's zero flare, nothing to keep you reading after those first two paragraphs, no interesting characters, nothing even set up apart from some random selection of names. You need something to really start it off. Have you ever read a book? Picking up 2 off my shelf I got these openining

'We are somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs begin to take hold...'

and

'Hale knew, before he had been in Brighton three hours, that they meant to murder him'

You know. Something actually engaging or interesting. Poetic n that. Although Dan Brown manages it so what do I know?

Brighton Rock!

[Ida Arnold]

It seems like it is almost written in the vernacular, where as I think it is just badly written.


But even assuming it was well written in terms of style, there is no story, nothing to interest you, it would be an awful opening chapter, and I have read it all.

I once read somewhere that there should be nothing in a story which doesn't either add to or further the plot. Maybe that's too draconian, however it wouldn't hurt to try applying that a little to your writing.

[Remnant Traitor]

Why is mrstevebob not moaning at everyone else who has said revols efforts are shit?

What a cock.