NME.COM

50 moderately amusing music jokes

  • With help from our users, we've compiled a list music-related gags for your amusement. Starting with... My laptop’s fucked. It keeps playing ‘Chasing Pavements’ on a loop. Think it’s a Dell.

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    Added: 30 Sep 2011

  • Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his collection of Pixar films except one. He's never going to give you Up.

    Photo: PA

    Added: 11 Aug 2011

  • Worst Christmas present ever: a Bonnie Tyler sat nav. Keeps telling me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.

    Photo: PA

    Added: 10 Jan 2013

  • Q: Why couldn't Anthony Kiedis get his DVD player to work? A: He had a scart issue (via @HackneyTim).

    Photo: PA Photo

    Added: 21 May 2010

  • Q: Did you hear Sophie Ellis Bextor died at the home of a footballer? A: People are saying it was murder on Zidane's floor (via @fongchau).

    Photo: PA

    Added: 03 Oct 2011

  • What's the definition of Endless Love? Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis. (via @jamiewolpert)

    Photo: PA

    Added: 25 May 2011

  • Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow? A: Look for the fresh prints.

    Photo: PA Photos

    Added: 25 Mar 2010

  • Q: Why did George Michael have chocolate all over his balls? A: He was careless with his Wispa.

    Photo: PA

    Added: 11 May 2011

  • Q: What’s the first sign of madness? A: Suggs walking up your driveway.

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    Added: 30 Sep 2011

  • I fainted in the curry house when I heard REM had split up. That's me in the Korma.

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    Added: 30 Sep 2011

  • Me: "What's the frequency, Kenneth?" Kenneth: "Everybody Hz."

    Photo: PA

    Added: 13 May 2011

  • Q: What do you call a dog with two cocks? A: N-Dubz.

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    Added: 30 Sep 2011

  • Q: Why did KT Tunstall fall over unexpectedly? A: It was suddenly icy (via @garydunion).

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    Added: 11 Jul 2011

  • What do The Smiths have for breakfast? I don't know, but Johnny Marr might. (via @AdamZapple1).

    Photo: Tom Oxley/NME

    Added: 21 Jan 2011

  • My girlfriend said she was leaving me because of my obsession with the Monkees. I thought she was joking. But then I saw her face (via @LouiseKPhillips).

    Photo: PA

    Added: 18 Apr 2011

  • Two Beach Boys walk into a bar. "Round?" "Round." "Get a round?" "I'll get a round!" (via @Davebyard).

    Photo: PA

    Added: 15 Mar 2011

  • Q: What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off? A: Limp Bizkit.

    Photo: Danny North/NME

    Added: 11 Jul 2011

  • Q: Why did Bono fall off the stage? A: He was too close to The Edge.

    Photo: PA

    Added: 31 Mar 2011

  • Q: How come U2 still haven't found what they're looking for? A: Because the streets have no names.

    Photo: Andy Willsher/NME

    Added: 06 Sep 2011

  • Q: What's the difference between God and Bono? A: God doesn’t walk round Dublin thinking he's Bono.

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    Added: 30 Sep 2011

  • U2 are playing Live Aid. Inbetween songs Bono starts clapping solemnly, pronouncing "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa starves to death". A bloke in the audience shouts: "Stop fucking clapping then!"

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    Added: 30 Sep 2011

  • Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? A: Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

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    Added: 30 Sep 2011

  • Razorlight’s Andy Burrows walks into a bar. Barman says: 'Why the long face?'

    Photo: Andy Burrows

    Added: 04 Mar 2010

  • Q: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
 A: Fo' drizzle.

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    Added: 30 Sep 2011

  • Q: What does Snoop Dogg wash his clothes with?
 A: Blee-aach.

    Photo: PA

    Added: 07 Apr 2011

  • Q: What does Snoop use to wash his car? 
A: His ho's.

    Photo: Kristian Yeomans/NME

    Added: 07 Mar 2011

  • Q: What is Snoop Dogg’s favorite tool? 
A: Da chisel.

    Photo: Press

    Added: 14 Jul 2011

  • Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s marriage was bound to fail. They had career differences. He didn’t have one.

    Photo: PA

    Added: 15 Jun 2011

  • How many indie hipsters does it take to change a lighbulb? It's an obscure number, you probably haven't heard it. (via @delkirbio).

    Photo: PA

    Added: 28 Apr 2011

  • What do vegetarians order at a soul food restaurant? The Ike and Tina Tuna. (via @simplynorris).

    Photo: PA

    Added: 03 Oct 2011

  • Q: What do hip-hop muscians put on their cuts and grazes ? A: Ghetto plasters (via @BMWavesblog).

    Photo: PA

    Added: 31 Aug 2011

  • Did you hear William Shatner once married Stevie Nicks? She changed her name to Stevie Shatner-Nicks (via @lankeymarlon).

    Photo: PA

    Added: 21 Apr 2011

  • Q: What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and James Brown? A: Ferguson is playing Giggs this year (via @jonmcclure)

    Photo: PA

    Added: 16 Aug 2011

  • What do you get when you mix stadium rock with indie rock? Freddie Mercury Rev. (via @simplynorris).

    Photo: PA

    Added: 26 Apr 2011

  • Q: How many Pet Shop Boys does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two. One to do it and one to look bored (via @renodakota).

    Photo: PA Photo

    Added: 27 Jun 2010

  • What do you get when you mix power pop with hip hop? Fountains of Lil' Wayne. (via @simplynorris)

    Photo: Andy Willsher/NME

    Added: 23 Mar 2011

  • Q: What do you call an overweight computer? A: A Dell.

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    Added: 30 Sep 2011

  • Michael Jackson asked his wife’s doctor how soon after the birth he could have sex. The doctor told him he should wait until the child was at least 12.

    Photo: PA Photos

    Added: 23 Jun 2010

  • The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest.

    Photo: PA Photos

    Added: 23 Jun 2010

  • Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz II Men? A: He thought it was a delivery service.

    Photo: PA

    Added: 09 Aug 2011

  • Q: How does Bob Marley like his donuts? A: Wi’ jam in.

    Photo: PA

    Added: 21 Jun 2011

  • Q: How can you tell a drummer's at the door?A: 
He doesn't know when to come in.



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    Added: 21 Jan 2009

  • Q: What does a drummer use for contraception? A: His personality.

    Photo: Victor Frankowski/NME

    Added: 03 Oct 2011

  • Q: What do you call a guy who hangs around with musicians? A: A drummer.

    Photo: Roger Sargent/NME

    Added: 02 Sep 2010

  • Q: How can you tell when the drum riser is level? A: 
Drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

    Photo: PA

    Added: 26 Apr 2011

  • Why hasn't Stevie Wonder written a hit in years? He dropped his pencil.

    Photo: Richard Johnson/NME

    Added: 28 Jun 2010

  • Q: How does Beyonce deal with constipation? A: She 'Work It Out'.

    Photo: PA

    Added: 29 Aug 2011

  • Arnie is invited to a famous composers' fancy dress party. When asked who he is going as, he replies: "I'll be Bach." (via @yeahitsjames).

    Photo: PA

    Added: 19 Jan 2011

  • Q: Why couldn't Beethoven find his teacher? A: 'Cause he was Haydn.

    Photo: PA

    Added: 03 Oct 2011