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First-Time Glastonbury Goer - A Virgin's Guide

  • Don't build your entire weekend around the headline sets at the Pyramid stage. Some of the greatest times to be had are when stumbling around the dystopian universe of Shangri-Las at 5 in the morning bumping into Jarvis Cocker doing a clandestine DJ set or what have you.

    Photo: PA

    Added: 27 Mar 2013

  • Arctic Monkeys, The Horrors, Chic and Portishead are all playing on Friday at 10:15pm. Whatever you do, don't try and see them all. It'll only end in tears.

    Photo: Pieter M Van Hattem/NME

    Added: 05 Apr 2012

  • Screw watching the sun rise at the Stone Circle. You should definitely go for a run. Yeah, you heard. There's nothing better after a hard first night on the tequila than a 90 minute sprint round the Worthy Farm perimeter with @EastLDNRunner.

    Photo: PA

    Added: 26 Jun 2011

  • You'll definitely need a ridiculous hat.

    Photo: Danny North/NME

    Added: 24 Jun 2011

  • Don't bother having a shower but you should probably look in the mirror at least once during the festival.

    Photo: Andy Whitton/NME

    Added: 24 Jun 2011

  • Don’t hang out in the backstage bar looking for celebrities. Remember that the only people who hang out in the backstage bar are people who are looking for celebrities.

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    Added: 23 Jun 2009

  • Don't be the guy who dives head-first into the mud. Waterskis make a much more classy impression.

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    Added: 23 Jun 2009

  • Don’t stay up all night in the stone circle talking about the meaning of life. Life is an essentially amorphous constellation of consciousnesses driven solely by evolutionary imperatives and cannot therefore be condensed into crisp philosophical maxims. You’d be wasting your time trying.

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    Added: 23 Jun 2009

  • Journalists: don’t bother going to the press conference where Michael Eavis proclaims this Glasto “the best ever, despite the rain”. Just re-transcribe your notes from last year.

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    Added: 23 Jun 2009

  • Do save money by bringing your own drugs dog and using it to rummage through people’s tents to find their discarded stashes.

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    Added: 23 Jun 2009

  • Do out-smart the £5-a-go Oxygen Bars by simply breathing in and out rapidly.

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    Added: 23 Jun 2009

  • Don’t dance on top of a float to UK garage alongside a cheery policeman. That’s the Notting Hill Carnival. You’re too early.

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    Added: 23 Jun 2009

  • Do impersonate a police officer. They secretly find it hysterical and love it whenever you do it.

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    Added: 23 Jun 2009

  • Do remember that arks can be purchased in flatpack form from Ikea. 1 cubit = 23.2 metres.

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    Added: 23 Jun 2009

  • Don’t eat anything you wouldn’t feel happy excreting into a public latrine.

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    Added: 23 Jun 2009

  • When tripping, don’t mess with the space/time continuum in ways that you wouldn’t know how to correct at a later date.

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    Added: 23 Jun 2009

  • Do stand in front the Pyramid Stage with a flag saying “Hi mum”. It’s a good joke and well worth obscuring 70,000 people’s view for.

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    Added: 23 Jun 2009

  • Don’t tip cows. Their basic wage is quite adequate.

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    Added: 23 Jun 2009

  • Don’t go into the woods with your girlfriend/boyfriend’s best friend, take a bucketful of hallucinogens and cheat on her/him.

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    Added: 23 Jun 2009

  • Don’t try and buy sex in exchange for space under your umbrella.

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    Added: 23 Jun 2009

  • Don’t mistake bodypaint for creativity.

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    Added: 23 Jun 2009

  • If you want to pretend that you’re in your favourite branch of Starbucks, simply lie back and close your eyes while Fleet Foxes are playing.

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    Added: 09 Jul 2009

  • Do bring sunscreen. It makes an excellent waterproofing balm for the bottom of your tent.

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    Added: 24 Jun 2009

  • Don’t marry anyone who looks desperate enough that it might not be a joke after all.

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    Added: 24 Jun 2009

  • If this is your first year, do take our advice on what to pack. Remember that you’ll probably only have enough plugs for a kettle, toaster, TV, curling tongs and clock-radio, so just bring those.

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    Added: 24 Jun 2009

  • Don’t moan about “how middle class Glastonbury’s become” until you’ve checked first as to whether your dad a) mines coal, b) makes car parts or c) carries a hod. If the answer is d) is a teacher, manager, accountant, consultant, life coach, etc, then remind yourself that for all the ‘earthy’ qualities you feel you may possess, you are ultimately part of the alleged problem, not the alleged solution.

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    Added: 24 Jun 2009

  • Don’t listen to advice. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of a the past from the disposal, wiping it off and recycling it for more than it’s worth. But trust us on the sunscreen.

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    Added: 24 Jun 2009