50Cher - ‘If I Could Turn Back Time'
Nope, it’s not a Rihanna gig. That big-haired lady straddling the cannon is Cher. Although back in 1989, it stirred up just as much controversy, due to Cher’s nearly-naked self frolicking around for some overly-hormonal sailors (who also seem to enjoy dancing together on a boat). It’s a shame none of them seem to care when Cher passes out on the stage at the end, though. Maybe they’d have preferred... watching Meg Griffin dance.
49Paris Hilton – ‘Stars Are Blind’
So this is what you can do when your daddy has buckets of money – pay someone to film you roll around in a bikini in the sand with a guy in order to distract us from the fact that you’ve been auto-tuned (quite poorly) to high heaven. Good on you, Paris Hilton – you successfully created something that sucked more than the song itself (which, frankly, we thought would be impossible to do).
48Daniel Bedingfield – ‘If You’re Not The One’
First we see a montage of Daniel against a black screen, stringed together by someone who seemingly just discovered iMovie (or whatever they had back in 2002) for the very first time. Then cue cheesy dance-in-some-clouds-with-an-unbuttoned-shirt-flapping-in-the-wind moment. Oh look, now he looks like some kind of prodigy, scrawling undistinguishable markings on the wall with a serious look on his face. But if you were Stateside, you got to see a forlorn love story, as told by a leather jacket-donning Bedingfield. We don’t know which is worse, really.
47Axel F – ‘Crazy Frog’
At least this one kicks off with a warning that it features “the most annoying thing in the world”. If you feel like putting yourself through three minutes of pure masochistic torture then by all means, watch the video of an animated frog-like creature riding an invisible motorbike around a fictional futuristic world. It will leave you wishing those rockets hit him, putting an end to Crazy Frog once and for all.
46Milli Vanilli – ‘Girl You Know It’s True’
No one should ever have to see two guys (wearing those awful shoulder-padded blazers) dance like this. But if you’re really hating yourself today, then watch the stalker-advocating promo. Sadly, the original appears to have been banned from YouTube, so you’re gonna have to do a bit of digging if you want to watch it. That, or sit through eight and a half minutes of an extended remix version. (Warning: don’t do it).
45Vanilla Ice – ‘Ice Ice Baby’
Sorry, Vanilla. We know you’re trying to look “street”, writing your name on walls in spraypaint and dancing around under a bridge or something with your “crew” (some of them look like cater-waiters doing the conga), but you really just look like an idiot. But at least you come across as a nice guy at the end, dancing around with a kid (who looks scares shitless) on your shoulders. Really, we can’t imagine why your career ever ended…
44Wham! - ‘Wake Me Up Before You Go Go’
Filmed at what is now Camden’s KOKO venue, we see the Wham! crew dancing around in “Go-Go” and “Choose Life” tee-shirts. Sadly, George Michael has to ruin it by changing into brightly-coloured short-shorts and dancing around like a monkey. But wait, it gets better – the black light comes out and the band begin to glow. And doesn’t George look so dreamy, hugging himself against a smoke-filled backdrop, wearing neon yellow fingerless gloves? Hard to believe he actually became a fashion trend-setter from this.
43Journey – ‘Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)'
This was the first video the band ever shot a music video for, so we’ll excuse them a little bit for this cinematic atrocity. They went a bit camera-angle crazy with it, flickering from one woman’s ass-shot to another, to a world where instruments don’t exist and the band simply play air. But it just gets weirder, when the keyboard’s attached to a wall and the guitar’s missing a piece. Then it all ends with a girl asleep in bed. Was it all a dream? Dear god we hope so.
42The Darkness – ‘I Believe In A Thing Called Love’
Aren’t we all so thrilled these guys are back? That’s just what the world’s been missing – a glammy hair metal band who make videos about battling monster crabs on a spaceship. Plus, who doesn’t want to see a pink-haired Justin Hawkins’ pixellated naked bum, or close-ups of those weird faces he makes when he sings?
41Steel Panther – ‘Fat Girl (Thar She Blows)'
Well, at least the video sort of distracts us from how awful the lyrics are. Naw, that’s a lie. It just makes them even worse. Good luck getting the image of the fat bloke in a leopard-print skin-tight dress out of your mind. But then again, what would you expect from Steel Panther?