November 20, 1999 12:00

ON THE COUCH WITH MARY MARY

He used to be in [B]Gaye Bykers On Acid[/B] you know...

What song describes you best?
"I haven't written it yet. It'd have to be one of mine because I'm the only person who could describe me."

What is heaven?
"Sitting on a beach in Rio with my wife. She's Brazilian. Or snowboarding."

What is hell?
"Watching Australian soaps."

What is your earliest memory? "Walking up to the TV screen and trying to kiss Sandie Shaw while she was singing. I was probably about three."

What is your greatest fear?
"Drowning. When I was very young, I was on holiday on the Isle Of Man and fell in this lake. I remember being underwater and then my dad saving me."

Who is your all-time hero?
"A Belgian cyclist called Eddy Merkx because he was the best cyclist ever."

What's the worst trouble you've been in?
"I've been arrested several times for being drunk and disorderly. One time in Leicester I was detained in the cells for smashing the windows of the polytechnic."

Who was the first love of your life?
"Janine Moore from my village primary school."

What's your greatest talent?
"Sleeping."

Upon whom would you like to exact revenge? How? Why?
"Thatcher because she completely destroyed everything. The rail service, the health service, everything. I would cut her so she bled to death alongside Pinochet."

What's your most treasured possession?
"My bike and my SM58 mic."

What have you most regretted doing while drunk?
"Just generally talking shit and embarrassing myself."

What can you cook?
"Pies. I make a good pie with salmon and eggs."

What's the best piece of advice you've received?
"Live each day as it comes."

Can you read music?
"No."

If you were invisible for a day, what would you do?
"Get into Buckingham Palace and fuck shit up. I'd like to fuck the Queen up and just bring an end to the monarchy."

What are your three final wishes?
"To eliminate Third World debt, to have a Number One record in the States and for Ipswich Town FC to buy Ronaldo and win everything."