NME.COM

TABLOID HELL - AUGUST 2 2001

Plus - Jacko gets deep - Lee Marvin deep - Posh 'n' Becks' disgusting taste in wine and a tiger man...really...

AJ has a friend.

The tired and emotional Backstreet Boy, currently recovering in a rehab centre for the chronically wealthy, is working through his 12-step plan with master funnyman, quiz master and former Butlins redcoat Michael Barrymore. According to The Star, the pair have been "attending spirituality counselling and art therapy together". And no doubt, the presence of the other is a source of great relief to each man.

It is AJ who probably is most delighted. "Here Michael," he might say, "I thought I was a bit down on my luck, what with the booze and that, and then would you believe it, I'm in here with you, you big, mad, bendy, face-pulling, British television star. I saw that show you did where you'd invite ordinary people onstage to 'do a turn' and then go off bounding round the audience like a big, elastic thing chatting away to old women and saying slightly rude things and making them laugh. At a low ebb I think of that and I can tell you it soon raises my spirits. And I also liked those funny walks you did with Monty Python in the 70s. You shouldn't even be here, you old mad bugger, you."

Meanwhile, The Sun reports that Michael Jackson has taken singing lessons to deepen his voice. The King Of Pop, who used to live with a chimp but doesn't anymore after it moved out, has "hired voice coach Seth Riggs to boost the range of his singing." Tabloid Hell has been led to believe that the deepening voice attempts are linked to the reason Jackson, who used to be married to Elvis Presley, has had to delay his forthcoming album release. Jackson has recorded a cover of 'Wand'rin' Star' as performed by Lee Marvin in hit musical western 'Paint Your Wagon'. However, there have been problems getting the song cleared until he can perfect Marvin's growl.

http://www.nme.com/media/images/tabloidlogo_L.jpg trip. That trio are just bloody marvellous and have the wholehearted support of Tabloid Hell.

Finally, a complete and utter nutjob in San Diego is attempting to turn himself into a tiger. Dennis Smith, who has changed his name by deed poll to Cat Man has spent $100,000 on full body tattoos with orange and black stripes and has had his teeth filed to resemble those of a big cat. He has also had latex whiskers implanted around his mouth and had surgery on his lips to turn them into a permanent snarl. Cat Man now wants to spend another $100,000 having tiger fur grafted onto his skin.

"For so long I have equated myself with the tiger that I decided to change myself into one," he said. "It's the real me. I had my first tattoos done 20 years ago around my eyes and now my whole body is one pastiche of stripes and shading. I am really proud of it all. When I have the coat of a tiger, I feel I will have reached my goal in life."

Click here to see the photo from ananova.com.


Email Tabloidhell@nme.com with probable Michael Jackson covers or click here for the messageboard.

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