NME.COM

TABLOID HELL - JUNE 22 2001

Plus - Hear'say's women gear themselves up for a fight, Noel Hear'say's Gloria Hunniford nightmare and scientists discover a tree...

Poor Billie's not happy.

The teenage bride, who used to be on the verge of superstardom but these days makes do with formerly being on the verge of superstardom, has had it with the superwealthy ginger man she married, Chris Evans.

"Fuck you, I've had enough. I'm not putting up with this shit any more," every morning Red Top (June 22) reports Billie yelping.

Billie lost it when she joined ginger trillionaire Evans on a drinking binge in London this week. She arrived at the party too late, as Evans, who would have £72 million left if he bought 80 million ice-pops at 10 pence a piece (which given the pleasant and very clement weather of late is not out of the question) was already blind drunk. Being a generous, loving husband of six weeks he packed her off in a taxi and went on to a lapdancing club.

Where he fell asleep.

Meanwhile, Myleene from Hear'Say is one classy dame. The Sun today reports how the busty beauty who loves her breasts (she does, this is documented fact) is looking for a scrap. Seems, the ex-girlfriend of fellow Hear'Say vixen Kym Marsh's new bloke is not a fan of Kym. She reckons Kym, the racy mother of two, is "too old and frumpy" to be seeing the barely post-pubescent Jack Ryder, an actor - who ironically looks pre-pubescent even though he is old enough to vote, drink, drive a car, buy his own trousers, queue with confidence in supermarkets and all manner of other things that people who are not 19 can only dream about.

http://www.nme.com/media/images/tabloidlogo_L.jpg, sounding like a gangster's moll who is actually a gangster rather than a moll, even though she still looks like a moll. "She is a stupid little girl who is trying to mix it with real women. She can just clear off."

In related Hear'Say news, The Mirror's fine Scurra column reports how Noel was close to tears when he heard that the group might have to cancel an appearance on Channel 5's 'Open House' afternoon show presented by Gloria Hunniford. "It's my mum's fave show," explained Noel, bravely fighting back tears. Noel, who loves his mother more than anything or anybody or anything in the whole wide world, has always struck Tabloid Hell as the kind of person who would say 'fave'.

The Mirror's Ever Vigilant 3am Girls, who have taken to calling themselves "ever vigilant" today, report that famous spoon bender Uri Geller was spotted on a street in London. He was wearing yellow clothes.

Finally, good news for tree lovers and people who like to breathe, especially using oxygen. Scientists in Mauritius have rediscovered a tree thought to have been extinct for one hundred years. According to www.ananova.com, the trochetia parviflora had not been seen in the wild since 1863. Now 63 of the buggers have been found clinging to a rock on the island. The tree has a curvy trunk, dense branches, small pointed leaves and pale green fruit.

And the prize for best alternative use for a hippie goes to an Australian Tabloid Hell reader whose identity is being withheld for fear of reprisal from weird people.

"I think hippies would make wonderful replacements for all animals in animal testing," the reader writes. "With their long hair, it makes much more sense to test shampoos on them rather than rabbits, who rarely shampoo their hair."

Email Tabloidhell@nme.com with news of foliage and fauna. Incidentally, Tabloid Hell's handlers say a message board will commence on Monday.

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