TABLOID HELL - FEBRUARY 28

Plus, at home with Robbie Williams, Wacko Jacko's crutches and a new tragedy befalls Hear'Say reject Darius. Erm, remember him?...

TABLOID HELL - FEBRUARY 28
Beaming out from page three of THE MIRROR this morning is CELINE DION. But fear not, the Canadian warbler hasn't stripped off to bare her bony body. Clad in white and looking serenely motherly, she is showing off her sprog, RENE CHARLES, beneath a banner declaring: "CELINE's joy over baby she waited six years for." Six years? That's some gestation period.

In the absence of a proper Brits furore this year, Robbie's cuteboy flatmate Jonathan Wilkes - who's launching his own musical career - gets virtually two pages in the Mirror, after Robbo declared at the awards that he won't be releasing an album next year, and has "been spending a lot of time at home, playing cards, eating chocolate and chilling with a few friends. It's good for my head." Possibly not the figure, though. Johnno further adds that they "drink tea, play computers, watch telly, play pool and play football". Even Celine's got a more rock'n'roll lifestyle than that. However, The Star blows the whole gaffe, revealing that Geri Halliwell went home with Robbie to the fun-lovin' bachelor boys' pad and didn't leave until 10am. Obviously, she'd brought a bumper pack of choccy digestives to celebrate.

The 3am Girls are still mopping up at Earl's Court today too, telling us that Samantha Mumba didn't pull, Eminem had a wall of minders around him at all times (lucky they didn't get chopped up by that nasty chainsaw), and Paul from Best Newcomers a1 was so hungover he didn't make their GMTV appearance the morning after, and The Star say that Westlife's Kian was also the worse for wear come 4am, which is not bad going, really.

Ex-Take Thatter Mark Owen is chuffed and miffed all at once about Robbie's post-TT glory, in The Star.

Also still swilling the Alka-Seltzer, The Sun's Bizarre aftershow party special grasses up Sara Cox for turning up 45 minutes late for her Radio 1 Breakfast Show.

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The paper also marvels at Geri Halliwell's lean new look, comparing her buxom scarlet sequinned 1997 outfit with her skimpy gold-and-cream get-up for Monday's bash. The Cat is out of the bag, when 'CD:UK' presenter Ms Deeley was spotted snogging old flame Huey Morgan from Fun Lovin' Criminals again. Meanwhile Bono set the record straight on his "flirtatious" lunch with Andrea Corr, saying they were doing nothing more than having lunch as mates in that restaurant together.

Ritchie Neville from Five decreed ginger telly mogul Chris Evans "probably too old" for Billie Piper (who he dumped nearly a year ago), before kicking over Chris' Zimmer frame, sticking out his tongue and firing his pea-shooter at him.

The Sun tells us that the show must go on for 42-year-old Michael Jackson, who will be on crutches when he visits Britain next week for his address on his Heal The Kids foundation at Oxford Union after breaking his foot: "It's too important to let a broken foot keep me away," he said.

Oops, Justin Timberlake was spotted boogeying with "various beauties" to Britney songs at a nightclub, while his poor girlfriend's working her fingers to the bone in Hollywood. The Star also reveals that 'Popstars' flop Darius really isn't having much luck these days, having been mugged and robbed of his camcorder on a bus. "Some girls asked me for my autograph and a granny made me pose for a photo. I was enjoying it," he huffs. "Then a guy gave me a shove, grabbed my camcorder and jumped off the bus." Maybe he just couldn't squeeze past his ego. Speaking of bulging entities, fellow Scot "wee" Sheena Easton is looking a bit beefy in the Daily Record, who publish a most unflattering photo of her sweaty cleavage, while she's belting out the, er, hits ('9 to 5', what a classic) at the Sydney Mardi Gras.

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