October 5, 2001 15:01

GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS!

Martine McCutcheon seen near theatre, Charlotte Church gets slightly older, and several cheap shots at Brian Harvey's legs...

Brian Harvey is pictured in The Daily Record
with model/actress/whatever Emma B. The snap of the pint-sized
former Ecstasy-crazed failed solo singer with the luscious long-legged beauty
finally answers the question 'Can a tall woman go out with a midget?' No mention
of true love, but we're sure this is not a publicity stunt as
Harvey's career is now worthy of as many column inches as his
stumpy legs. He must be relieved, though, that he can look up to a girl with
nostrils. However, a source close to the Chief Medical Officer offered this
warning to Harvey's new inamorata: "Having legs up to
your neck may be ostensibly attractive, but physically you will shit through the
back of your neck."

The Mirror's Ever-Vigilant 3am Girls reveal gleefully that
they saw Martine McCutcheon outside the Soho
Theatre in London with A GIRL. The start of some
Sapphic love affair? Or just mere coincidence that McCutcheon
was in Soho's theatreland, seeing as she's been starring in
My Fair Lady there since March, give or take the nights she has
one of her 'turns'? We look forward to "Pope Seen In
Vatican", "Bear Seen In Woods", Geri[/url] seen
in Oman boosting morale for our boys and James
Walsh's dad prostrate on the floor of a northern working men's club next week.

Meanwhile, all of the red tops report how Melanie
C[/url] has lost weight due to a diet. Hot on the heels of stunning pictures that
showed 15-year-old Charlotte Church has grown in the last year,
the following warning has been issued: "Reduction of lard intake will cause
weight loss. Girls and boys traversing the quagmire of puberty will find that
they grow in height, width and develop extra body hair. Girls will grow breasts.
Boys will have deeper voices. Both should budget for buying a new wardrobe every
six months. This time in your life may be the worst fucking time
imaginable."