November 27, 1999 12:00

ON THE COUCH WITH DANI FILTH

Actually, [a]Cradle Of Filth[/a]'s singer is a surprisingly sharp dude...

Which song describes you best?

"'He Ain't Heavy, He's My Singer From Cradle Of Filth' by Bearded Attacker."

What is heaven?

"A perfect Hallowe'en with my girlfriend Toni and my nine-month-old daughter Luna."

What is hell?

"Constant pain and sorrow. And nausea. A few hours on hours rehearsing with the band, then! Actually, a friend of mine worked in a hospital, where an old woman was kept in isolation as she constantly vomited faeces. Every time it happened, she's smell it and be sick again. She committed suicide."

What is your earliest memory?

"Playing in a red ants' nest. I kept peeking down between the crazy paving trying to get the ants. I got really badly bitten. Or when we waterlogged our tortoise Dobber. He fell asleep in a puddle or something and died. "

What is your greatest fear?

"Only normality. Waking up one day, with no real goal. Or giant spiders invading your house, Martian invasions from outer space, that sort of thing."

Who is your all-time hero?

"Christopher Lee. And I've always fancied Jane Seymour, especially in her youth."

What's the worst trouble you've been in?

"I accidentally murdered my ex-girlfriend in the office of my East End club with an ashtray as a young acquaintance looked on, who I then made help me bury the body in a wood. Luckily, I got out of it 'cos I blamed it all on him. I've got one of those sparkly grins that people fall for."

Who was the first love of your life?

"Daphne from Scooby Doo."

What's your greatest talent?

"Lyric-writing, and dealing with wankers."

Upon whom would you most like to exact revenge? Why? How?

"No-one. Revenge leads to hate, hate leads to suffering, suffering leads to the dark side."

What's your most treasured possession?

"An original oil painting by John Wayne Gacy which I bought for #1500. It's called 'Universal Monsters'; it's all really badly painted, like a kid did it. It's got mummies, Bela Lugosi, Frankenstein and Jason from Friday The 13th on it, and there's all this blood dripping down his mask - it's Gacy's blood. It looks postmodern, then you think, it's by a guy who murdered 33 women. It's in our study at home."

What have you most regretted doing while drunk?

"All the bad things."

What can you cook?

"Bacon and eggs, dog muck and hair."

What's the best piece of advice you've ever received?

"Kill the hero quickly before he gets away!"

Can you read music?

"Yep, it's m-u-s-i-c. Unless it's in Swedish, then I can't."

If you were invisible for a day, what would you do?

"I'd not be seen. I'd also steal from the supermodel nudey bank."

If you had three final wishes, what would they be?

"To become omnipotent, have a never-ending pint of Guinness, and to win the dog muck and hair cooking championships held every year in Portugal."

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