TABLOID HELL - JUNE 29 2001

Plus - Geri has no arse, Dane Bowers in a fish bar and The Strokes rock...

TABLOID HELL - JUNE 29 2001
Craig David has been the victim of a cruel hoax.

Pranksters, explains The Star today (June 29), have claimed the fast singing garage superstar, who is well on the way to being 20, even though at present he is younger than that, was stopped in his car by police on Wednesday and found to have crack cocaine on his person.

Despite the fact that Craig dislikes both crack and cocaine, a radio station in Bristol, which is close to both the sea and Wales but a part of neither, reported the hoax as fact.

Naturally, the station have now launched a full investigation into how they were so completely duped. However, Tabloid Hell has learned that people within the organisation have broken away from the investigation to report on the fact that Craig David, who comes from Southampton which, like Bristol, is a town with people living in it, is actually two Siamese twins. Craig, or Pete and Tom, is co-joined at the head. So tight is the fusion, that he gives the impression of being one head. Having two people speaking explains his supernatural ability to sing two and half thousand syllables per second, giving his music appeal to lovers of syllables.

http://www.nme.com/media/images/tabloidlogo_L.jpg, her hit single which Tabloid Hell is delighted to report will remain on release until the Athenians return in a big purple warp-speed spaceship to rebuild the Panthenon. Geri, who at one time lived in a massive basketball shoe owned by her then boyfriend who played the sport professionally for a living in order to earn a crust, seems unconcerned about being without her arse.

However, Tabloid Hell contacted a doctor who specialises in treating people who are unwell and says things like "the old rear end", and the doctor said: "Arses are fairly essential. In fact I'd go so far as to say they are completely essential. Without the old rear end you have nothing to sit on. And so you'll have to stand all the time and probably get tired and die. I think Geri is setting a dangerous precedent by saying to her fans 'Hey, I've no arse, it's fine - you could have no arse too and that would also be fine.' It's a rocky road."

The Sun today focuses on hit television show 'Big Brother', which is all very well but needlessly dull.

The Mirror's Ever Vigilant 3am Girls, who sadly have stopped calling themselves ever vigilant which upsets Tabloid Hell who dearly wishes they'd start again, report today that roly Dane Bowers was spotted in the Ambassador's Fish Bar in Hastings. Although it is unclear, this could well be a bar, or public house, which serves only fish, and as such is a definite one-off, especially if it is on land where the fishes' gills make it hard for them to breathe. So that's brilliant.

Finally... well that's it. The Strokes rock.


Tabloidhell@nme.com encourages you to use the message board (Click here) and to email hoax stories of famous people being arrested (Tabloidhell@nme.com">Click here

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