December 4, 2001 12:32

TABLOID HELL - DECEMBER 4 2001

Plus - Madonna's hat, Britney's handcuffs and an Appleton sisters update...

Emma Bunton has been having trouble with locations.

Emma, formerly a baby with top selling Spice band the Spice Girls, told people that she enjoyed a short break recently in "Florence, France", The Sun (December 4) reports.

The blonde singer, who has put her solo career on hold indefinitely in order to travel, has not surprised many with her comments.

"This is remarkably astute," said an academic. "Emma is actually using an old European cartographers eye here. When Chinese map divining devices were approximated by several well-heeled European feudal dynasties in the 12th and 13th centuries, the world was a very different place. Any such house in Florence obviously would have believed they were much stronger than anything in the area we now call modern day France and would have counted Paris - a minor trading town with a fine academic reputation - as one of their small-time outlying districts. Emma was merely reflecting her own fine research and making a cheeky reference to the current somewhat perilous condition of Italian politics.

"Actually, rising Texan metal band Jimmy Eat World were making a similar remark recently when they told someone they were staying in London, Texas. The band were obviously aware that there was formerly a Texan embassy in London before events at the Alamo made that somewhat redundant. These pop stars are clever, playful imps, you know."

All the red tops also carry photos of Madonna walking along a street wearing a hat. It looks very jaunty and she is obviously delighted.

Meanwhile, The Daily Star reports that Britney Spears was given handcuffs as a birthday present by her boyfriend Justin Timberlake District, drummer with a top selling boyband tribute act. The news angered Britney Spears's biggest fan Alisatair Campbell, the best friend and chief spokesperson for President Tony Blair.

"I don't know what that young fellow thinks he's up to but he'd better think again," Campbell said. "I suppose there's a sexual element to this. Well Mr Timberlake can take a run and jump in a lake. Britney Spears is incorruptible. She is a virgin who has never had sex and will remain so until the right man comes along who can treat her with the right amount of love and respect. Mr Timber may think it's him - well I've news for you Daddy-o, it's not. I'm not saying who it is, but I have all . Britney Spears's records, all her books and magazines and loads of posters and I know that I know her. So, beat that."

The Mirror's 3am Grills also reveal that Nicole and Natalie Appleton have been taking things easy since they stopped doing recording work.

Email Tabloidhell@nme.com. Or click here if you know where Florence is.