NME.COM

TABLOID HELL - MAY 4 2001

Plus, Geri's beer belly fixation, Rod's lap dance heaven and rubbish REM song gets fan in trouble...

Emma Bunton wishes men had breasts.

She likes the feel of them. Breasts. Not men.

According to The Sun today (May 4) (printing extracts from an interview that runs in the new issue of Sky magazine), Cleavage Spice also says she quite likes the feel of her own: "It's so funny - when I record I sing with a hand over each of them." Developing the theme into something of an obsession Emma, who has a very big forehead and generous hips, also admits that she doesn't like bras. "I find them really uncomfortable. I'm one of those people who likes to be free."

Perhaps Cleavage should talk to her former bandmate Geri. The incredible shrinking woman, reveals The Mirror, says her ideal man would have a beer belly. And if such a belly is nurtured right, it is only a short stop to pendulous, hand-filling breasts.

With David Beckham, Posh's husband, unveiling a dodgy new haircut this week and Robbie Williams, Geri's confessor general, pictured playing golf, the ideal, Identikit Spice man is becoming apparent. Expect Mel B to announce next week that she is searching for Neville, a politely nervous photocopier salesman from Solihull. His blue/grey Ford Montego is his pride and joy. Though in his mid-30s, he lives with his mother, but he can come and go as he pleases. Except every other Tuesday, when he takes her to bingo. He adores Marillion.

The Mirror also reports that vacant failing solo singer Louise Redknapp is set to be a television presenter. Louise, who has had a string of completely forgettable hits, is to front popular Saturday morning television programme 'SM:TV'.

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Meanwhile, The Sun returns to breasts with a rather lyrical appreciation of Rod Stewart's girlfriend Penny Lancaster. Penny, it seems, caught failed singer and failing model Caprice attempting to snare Rod at a party following the World Music Awards in Monaco. She diverted Rod's attention by "lap dancing" for him. It worked. "Her breasts are her own," says The Sun, "which Rod appreciates."

The Mirror's Ever-Vigilant 3am Girls report that former-soap-actress-turned-average-pop-singer-turned-constantly-ill-stage-musical-player Martine McCutcheon was spotted coming out of a Chinese takeaway in Earl's Court. She was carrying a takeaway. They do not mention breasts.

Finally, REM have been silenced by a court order. According to The Star, Paul Baker from Southampton has had his stereo seized for playing 'What's The Frequency Kenneth?'. Constantly. With no other tune. In the early hours of the morning. Following complaints from neighbours (who presumably felt the move away from the completeness of 'Out of Time' and dark, dark pleasures of 'Automatic For The People' was an unforgivable error), he was ordered to turn it down. He didn't and had his stereo seized. Three times.

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