July 6, 2001 13:41

TABLOID HELL - JULY 6 2001 Five Tickets

Plus - Britney loves Posh, Hear'say get new cars and the bullchasing starts...

TABLOID HELL - JULY 6 2001
J has had an unfortunate accident.

The Five member was, says The Sun (July 6), "left in agony when a prank left him with a sore manhood." Apparently, J thought it would be a merry jape to stick a fire extinguisher hose down the front of his strides. The extinguishing chemical inside burns quite badly, and when it touched his skin, it left him needing his crotch hosed down with water. "He looked in agony," explains an 'onlooker' sympathetically, "but it was quite funny for the rest of us."

J is obviously feeling a bit sorry now. All he said was: "Here fellas, you know the way we're one of the best rock and roll bands in the history of the world ever, well I think I'm noted hellraiser and all-round mad old bastard Jerry Lee Lewis." And such was the enthusiasm of his comrades - one of whom is convinced he is the reincarnation of Carl Perkins, except with big baby horse eyelashes and teeth like a piano had the piano perfectly white teeth - to put out the flames of his 'Great Balls Of Fire', that vigour got the better of good sense, or indeed common sense, or indeed sense, or indeed even lack of sense, and so hose met hose.

http://www.nme.com/media/images/tabloidlogo_L.jpg's fashion sense and maternal glow. Actually, she is. But she probably won't be the last, no sirreee.

The Mirror's Ever Vigilant 3am Girls today report that Hear'Say have been presented with new cars, presumably as a gift for being so brilliant at everything, especially for scoring consecutive Number Ones which they have done, so that's good. However, Suzanne Shaw from Hear'Say, a singer with the outfit, has been told her insurance will be very expensive and may have to give the car back. With a bit of luck, and positive thoughts from readers of Tabloid Hell the 3amers, as they are affectionately known by just about everybody except those who don't like them, who are unlike Tabloid Hell who think they are just brilliant and should be given cars themselves for being so brilliant, may carry more related news next week. For instance, Tabloid Hell has been led to believe that Noel from Hear'Say believes petrol is a shocking price. "It's almost 80 pence a litre for unleaded," he might say, "that's really too much - really." And racy mother of two Kym Marsh from Hear'Say doesn't believe in using garage forecourt automatic car washes. "They don't give a finish that I like," she might say.

Finally, crowds are starting to gather in Pamplona for the annual running of the bulls. Up to a million people are expected over the next week for Spanish town's fiesta. Six huge fighting bulls chase people around the town's narrow streets every morning of the festival. It is a 400-year-old tradition.

And remember - Goran takes to the court soon against Tory Tim. Support Goran.


Email Tabloidhell@nme.com with messages of support for Goran.

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