TABLOID HELL - NOVEMBER 22 2001

Plus - God's reaction, the Atomic Kitten nude dilemma and the 3am Girls report something interesting. Really...

TABLOID HELL - NOVEMBER 22 2001
Geri is getting close to God.

The Sun (November 22) reports today that former Spice Girl drummer Hairy Gelliwell has been attending meetings of a ten-week Christianity retreat called the Alpha Course. Hairy, who used to entertain soldiers but stopped, has been spotted joining in the weekly asking sessions that ask 'Who Is Jesus?'.

"She's transformed," a Christian said. "We all joke about how everyone thinks we're mad happy clappers who don't drink or smoke or swear or have sex or do anything that isn't good (we don't, of course) and Geri joins in. It's a long road for her. Before you can forgive yourself you have to have others forgive you because they are much holier and know the bible and stuff. Geri isn't anywhere near that yet and we are really holy, which is brilliant for us because heaven awaits us, which is brilliant and stuff."

There is a dissenting voice, though, unhappy at Geri's attempted conversion. "I'm not at all convinced," said God. "One minute she's doing the dog rising in the morning with a bendy back drinking soya milk - that's a yoga move, by the way - the next she's asking me for divine intervention. I mean, I might be an omnipotent omnipresent deity - though you want to see what that Allah can do - but how the fuck am I supposed to get her to Number One?. I had to do a bit of serious horse-trading with Zeus and some ancient Greek boys to get that 'It's Raining Men, Hallelujah, Thank Christ' to the top (sorry Mel B). Now she comes crying, asking 'Who Is Jesus?'. I mean, come on girl. There are three-year-olds who can answer that with wit and wisdom. What does she think fucking Christmas is all about? I swear to Jehovah, sometimes I feel like getting a bit Old Testament."

http://www.nme.com/media/images/tabloidlogo_L.jpg of Atomic Kitten
has announced she will pose nude with no clothes on her body for £1million. Natasha has said she wants to buy a big house and that the money would be ideal. House buyers all over Britain are up in arms.

"This is sending out the wrong message," a house buyer said. "It's difficult buying in today's cut-throat dog-eat-dog crazy market but now everyone will think that we are only buying because we like to parade about naked with no clothes on. This may not seem like a problem, but it does set up barriers when naturists show up to viewings naked with no clothes on. That just blows the seller's mind because then they wonder where there is to go to next. I heard recently of a naturist who turned up at a house sale naked with no clothes on and told the seller he was a naturalist. That's just crazy, and if you don't mind me saying, it's also asking for trouble."

The Mirror's three girls today reveal the nefarious machinations of press people attempting to plant stories about their clients in order to boost flagging record sales. For the first time ever, it is a good read.

Email Tabloidhell@nme.com. Or click here for updates on Geri's conversion.

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