April 25, 2001 13:50

TABLOID HELL - APRIL 25

Plus, Kerry Katona's taxi troubles, Phil Collins adds to world population problems and Natalie Appleton orders some food. Possibly chicken-based...

TABLOID HELL - APRIL 25
You could be seeing a whole lot more of Geri very soon.

After claiming yesterday (April 24) that it would take £10 million to get her to pose nude again, considerably more than the fish supper, tin of Irn Bru and warm taxi home offered when she was a struggling and rather more busty starlet, the figure has now been met.

According to today's The Sun (April 25), Penthouse magazine has put up the cash and is now biding its time to see the incredible shrinking woman in all her glory. Given the revelation earlier in the week about the assistant hired to look after Geri's nipple problems on a recent video shoot, Tabloid Hell wonders just what demands will be made of the put-upon aide when Penthouse comes knocking.

And poor Kerry. As the rest of her former colleagues in Atomic Kitten continue to dominate column inches doing little more than rehearsing for a tour, Miss Kalm Down Katona, who will ever more be the Pete Best of modern pop, cannot even hail a taxi.

According to The Star, Kerry has now made her home in a remote Irish village, awaiting the birth of the child she is having with Bryan 'I'm pop and I'm proud' McFadden of Westlife. In said village there is only one taxi-driver, who also, it seems, doubles as the local undertaker (though Tabloid Hell is unsure if he uses the same car or indeed ever fulfils both duties at once). When this taxi-driver crashed the cab/hearse, it left Kerry stranded and unable to make the two-hour journey to Dublin airport to make a flight to London and so fulfil a Prince's Trust engagement. Poor Kerry. But at least she's not Phil Colllins.

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Phil Collins, the balding middle-aged, peddler of unmitigated MOR garbage, is pictured in several of the papers cradling his new-born child. Collins, who is a former child star of stage musicals and has a face like freshly squeezed Playdoh (which will no doubt cause huge problems in the coming years for his new son, Nicholas Grev Austin) had the child with his much younger former nanny and now third wife Orianne. He is, of course, a multi-millionaire. And a Tory.

Meanwhile, the Mirror's Ever-Vigilant 3am Girls today report that Keith Flint has been chosen by Fran Cutler (celebrity party organiser and friend of Meg Mathews) as her birthing partner. They also reveal that Natalie Appleton (current squeeze of Keith's band-leader Liam Howlett) was spotted in a KFC takeaway. Ordering takeaway food.

Finally, a long distance lorry-driver pulled over by police in Yorkshire suspected of drunk driving, has been let off, as he explained he had just been fitted with new hips and ill-fitting teeth. According to The Star, "The 60-year-old explained he was staggering because he'd just had his hips replaced and slurred because his new teeth didn't fit."

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