June 15, 2001 14:00

TABLOID HELL - JUNE 15 2001

Plus - S Club 7 on Dostoevsky, Madge and Guy close down Milan and Samantha Mumba's drink problem...

TABLOID HELL - JUNE 15 2001
It's almost as if she never went away.

After a day of rest, the Incredible Shrinking Woman is in every single paper today (June 15), getting yoga on y'all.

Geri, who hopes to take sales of her soaraway album 'Scream If You Wanna Go Faster' into double figures, is pictured demonstrating The Supta, which fights indigestion - not something someone who lives on fairy milk and moondust would normally suffer from; the Bridge, which straightens the spine; The Bow, for vitality and a host of other peculiar stretches. In some of the Red Tops she even flashes her breasts. All this will be of particular interest to Spanish speakers who Geri invited to perform yoga on her fanny recently. The remark, of course, caused much hilarity, especially amongst Westlife who have been beavering away in an attempt to make Spanish their second language. (The scamps, remember, are desperate to read Gabriel Garcia Marquez in his mother tongue). Westlife, incidentally, will be pleased to note that as well as Atomic Kitten, with their deep love of the precise biting sentences of Raymond Carver, another pop powerhouse might join their reading circle. S Club 7 are believed, by Tabloid Hell, to be overjoyed to learn that Dostoevsky's 'Crime And Punishment' is to be made into a BBC drama series. Bradley in particular is probably most pleased. "Watching Raskolnikov work through his belief that his innate superiority frees him from the laws that govern the weak is both chilling and telling. It's an unnerving masterpiece," he could be heard to mutter on the band's tourbus.

http://www.nme.com/media/images/tabloidlogo_L.jpg earlier this year. Mariah's reading habits are unknown.

The Sun reports that Samantha Mumba and her husband, the faux East End bovver boy and film director of limited ability Guy Ritchie, spent £10,000 on a shopping trip in Milan yesterday. "The streets were practically closed for them. The locals were amazed at all the fuss surrounding them," an 'onlooker' reports. It is unclear exactly what [a][/a] bought as she already owns everything in the entire world. That said, such is her love of all aspects of English life that the world's best-known female singer is believed by Tabloid Hell to be keen on opening a traditional British 'cornershop'. The 10 'big ones' could well have been needed to put a down payment on a bulk buy of Italian Vogue in order to have the glossy mag sent to her new shop to introduce some continental glamour between the jars of Clove Rock and Lemon Bon Bons.

The Mirror's Ever Vigiliant 3am Girls today reveal that Samantha Mumba was left unable to celebrate finishing shooting her new video in the US with a drink. Because you have to be 21 to drink in US bars. But Samantha couldn't because she is 19. So she couldn't have a drink. Because in the US she is underage, as revealed today by The Mirror's Ever Vigilant 3am Girls.

Finally, you can flash at the Queen for £200. Steven Higby streaked in front of HRH at the Derby last week and has to cough up the sum. Tabloid Hell obviously doesn't encourage such behaviour, but it really is a small price to pay.

And the Japanese have invented square melons. It has taken 20 years of cultivation on the western island of Shikoku, growing the fruit in glass moulds, to yield the first crop.

They are now easier to store, reports The Sun.




Email Tabloid Hell with details of reading habits of our top pop stars.

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