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TABLOID HELL - AUGUST 21 2001

Plus - Tabloid Hell uncovers Atomic Kitten's secret US invasion plan, the continuing battle for star scoops between the tabloid lady teams and the winner of the word's best 'tache...

Geri has a secret double life.

According to the Daily Star (August 21), Miss Gelliwell "by day is a solitary figure", doing little except idling on pavement front cafes, drinking cappuccino and having a snack. By night, The Incredible Shrinking Woman is "a sexy pop chick entertaining thousands of fans." Such untruths should not pass without being righted.

First off, as everyone well knows, Hairy Gelliwell does not drink cappuccino and she would certainly steer a wide-berth around snacks. Miss Gelliwell drinks thimblefuls of semi-skimmed fairy milk. Protein and carbohydrate rich, this can keep her going for days, weeks, months and sometimes even years at a time. As a rare treat, she sends endorphins careering round her frame by hitting a note and feeling joy. And the idea that she is by night "a sexy pop chick entertaining thousands of fans" is a remark that may have The Incredible Shrinking Woman running to seek legal advice. On one occasion she did entertain 18 people in an audience of several thousand with a particularly sprightly version of 'It's Raining Men, Hallelujah Sing Hosanna' but never, ever has she been "sexy" or indeed a "pop" or a "chick".

http://www.nme.com/media/images/tabloidlogo_L.jpg, Alaska and airlift their commie loving reds into our great nation. The damn muthas."

The Mirror's Ever Vigilant 3am Girls today break the news that they spotted somebody somewhere, probably a semi-famous person doing something - shopping or putting petrol in a car or walking down a street. The Daily Star's Ever Vigilant 3am Girls with Lighter Hair do exactly the same with a different semi-famous person. This will be repeated tomorrow and the day after.

Finally, German Lothar Kuhn has won the title of Moustache of The Year 2001 at the annual competition in Montemesola, southern Italy. Luther saw off around 100 other hirsute men with his musketeers number.

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