TABLOID HELL - MAY 31 2001

Plus, Dane Bowers has a go at the competition winners, Craig David in chubby shock and Hugh Grant drives. A car...

TABLOID HELL - MAY 31 2001
HEAR'SAY are delusional.

The first signs come today from Noel.

The Sun (May 31) reports that the house the TV five-piece shared in the weeks leading up to their sprint for fame has been broken into a couple of times. This is a shame, says Noel, because the house "is like Abbey Road Studios. People used to knock on the door at all hours of the night." Not to be outdone, Myleene fuels the fantasy. "The house became a Graceland, like a pilgrimage for people."

That's not all. The band's racy mother of two Kym Marsh has been quick to point out that she is not, in fact, Liz Taylor - as many may have mistakenly thought. "I'm not Liz Taylor, so I won't be getting married just yet," she tells The Star. Apparently 'critics' have branded her a baby snatcher for dating soap-opera actor Jack Ryder, who is 19 but looks 12. This is grossly unfair, thinks Kym. "He is not 19 in his head," she reasons.

Hear'Say release their new single in a fortnight.

However if roly-poly R&B journeyman Dane Bowers had his way, Hear'Say would never have released anything at all. After his blast at the incredible Shrinking Woman yesterday, today Bowers says all his mates can sing better than the Popstars. "It was so frustrating. I refuse to believe that out of tens of thousands of young singers in this country, this is the best we can do. I could pick five of my friends who would just destroy them," he tells The Star. Dane also adds that he needs a girlfriend who will make him the centre of attention. Given the size of his two-step girth, big Bowers is increasingly impossible to miss.

http://www.nme.com/media/images/tabloidlogo_L.jpg And staying with two-step girths, all the red-tops run with photographs of Craig David as a podgy 11-year-old. That's about all in that story.

Meanwhile, The Mirror's Ever Vigilant 3am Girls report that Hugh Grant was seen driving in a car on the King's Road in London. This will come as no surprise to regular readers of Tabloid Hell. As reported previously, following sightings of the Incredible Shrinking Woman, Cleavage Spice Emma Bunton and Bob Geldof, every famous person in Britain lives on the King's Road. Except Paul 'Macca' McCartney, who doesn't.

Finally, an inventor in India has made a flying car. Rakesh Goel says his contraption is similar to a helicopter but has 12 rotors. According to www.ananova.com, Mr Goel thinks his device is ideal for crowded cities and will be in high demand in Europe within five years. Regardless of ground speed, the flying car - which will be similar, no doubt to both Herbie and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, the most famous of all flying cars - will reach 30mph in the air.

E-mail Tabloidhell@nme.com with comments, gripes and suggestions.

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