TABLOID HELL - NOVEMBER 12 2001 Kylie Minogue Tickets

Plus - The Aussie star's massive 'dad-in-law', the Chris and Billie property service and Fran from Travis does some shopping...

TABLOID HELL - NOVEMBER 12 2001
Kylie Minogue is a dwarf.

The news will come as a surprise to the Australian pop singer's legion of fans, who had previously believed Kylie to be taller than a dwarf. The Daily Star reports than the father of Kylie's boyfriend broke the news, saying: "She's a dwarf. She's only about 4ft 2ins, you know." Kylie has been slow to respond to the claim. However, it has emerged that her boyfriend's father is of above average height and on some days tips the measuring tape at well over eight feet. "His sense of perspective is a cause for concern," an artist specialising in watercolours said. "He is frequently looking down on things. On afternoon's when he gets to six or seven feet, its OK. But when he pushes above that, he sees the world in a very funny way. And some days he stands on a box to make himself even bigger. But when he does he can't move and just glares down like a big tall man. Sometimes he tells Kylie that he can see her from great distances. He says things such as 'Kylie you dwarf, I'm massive and I can see you approaching from ten miles away, as if I was standing on a great big hill. But I'm not, I'm just bloody huge.' It frightens Kylie no end. She believes everything everyone tells her all the time. If you run up to her and say 'I know what you're thinking' she'll cry."

http://www.nme.com/media/images/tabloidlogo_L.jpg, is understood to be insanely happy with the new job. "He has always wanted nothing more than to be an estate agent," an estate agent said. "He would cycle around his home town in the north of England and plant home-made 'For Sale' signs in gardens. He also wore a green blazer which he thought made him look the part - which to be fair, it did. But he got into a bit of trouble when new buyers attempted to move into homes already occupied. He wouldn't return the cash and had to run off and join the merchant navy to avoid angry, hostile crowds. He lived as a cabin boy for 12 years eating oat biscuits and seawater. He went a bit made on a trip to collect tar from the Maldives, but he's fit as a fiddle now and living his dream. He's hugely wealthy you know."

The Mirror reports that Travis singer Fran Healy was spotted buying a computer console in a shop on London's top favourite shopping street of Oxford Street.

Email Tabloidhell@nme.com. Or click here to buy a property from Chris and Billie.

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