October 10, 1999 9:46

Crispin Longpig On The Couch

His thoughts on life, the universe and everything...

Crispin Longpig On The Couch
What song describes you best?
"'Foxy Lady' by The Jimi Hendrix Experience. I once fell asleep listening to this on my stereo and woke up in this sweat having a nightmare about Jimi Hendrix crawling out of the bed and giving me a good seeing to. Not that it'd be a nightmare probably."

What is heaven?
"A night out with me."

What is hell?
"Two nights out with me."

What's your earliest memory?
"I can remember walking into my parents' living room and seeing my mum and dad dancing in the corner and there was some bloke... I think it might have been Adrian Mitchell, the poet... stomping on the table. And I burst into floods of tears 'cos I couldn't stand adults behaving so childishly!"

What's your greatest fear?
"Waking up and discovering all this was just a dream."

Who is your all-time hero?
"It'd have to be Chrissie Lennon - a cross between Chrissie Hynde and John Lennon. I'd have the punkness of Chrissie Hynde and the lurrrve of John Lennon."

What's the worst trouble you've been in?
"I got mistakenly arrested for armed robbery about four years ago and was locked up for about seven hours. I was put in the holding cell with some street girl who had just put through the window of Marks & Spencer. They realised it wasn't me but the bloke who did it looked very like me."

Who was the first love of your life?
"A very beautiful girl called Verity."

What's your greatest talent?
"Driving very fast in sports cars."

Upon whom would you most like to exact revenge?
"Warner Brothers for wasting two years of our lives. I'd like to make a full-length feature cartoon with Elmer Fudd fisting Bugs Bunny."

What's your most treasured possession?
"If a cat is a possession rather than a companion, it'd have to be the cat. Material things can fuck themselves."

What have you most regretted doing while drunk?
"After we played Wembley Stadium with U2, I proceeded to shout about how it was all 'cock, cock, cock' and how, 'You're all a bunch of wankers'. I had to be escorted out by the guards, which didn't stand me in good stead for supporting them again!"

What can you cook?
"I'm a very good cook. My paella is legendary. Cooking is like therapy."

What's the best piece of advice you've ever received?
"My father told me, 'Never say no'."

Can you read music?

What would you do if you were invisible for a day?
"Butt-fuck Prince William! He's lovely - it's the way he wears his baseball cap on back to front!"

What are your final three wishes?
"A million pounds, two million pounds and three million pounds."

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