TABLOID HELL - SEPTEMBER 10 2001

Plus - The truth about the Lennon/Jackson spat, Dido drives a car "fast" and earwigs in 'standby' penis shock...

Louise has made a life-changing decision.

The singing and dancing chart star, who used to sell quite a few records but has decided not to bother anymore, has applied for a job in Asda.

According to the Daily Star (September 10) Louise went for an interview with the supermarket chain last week. "As one of the country's biggest CD retailers, we're able to attract some of the biggest names," a boss explains. However, Louise may have blown her chances. The tiny singer, famed for being able to smile really well and combine girl-next-door niceness with an ability to smile really well, sang her recent big selling single 'Stuck In The Middle'. Tabloid Hell has learnt bosses were impressed but a little confused. "We wanted to see how she coped stacking dairy perishables," one such store chief may believe. "We had Louise stack a few yoghurt and cream fridges to see if she'd put the new stock towards the back and make the display at the front nice and straight. It's quite chilly and demanding working amongst those fridges. But she started dancing around and singing that song from 'Reservoir Dogs'. It was all very nice, but some of the older staff didn't really know where to look. The shop was quite busy at the time and she kept bumping into customers. She spilled a few trays as well, caused about £22 of damage. We're thinking of putting her on the tills. She is great with people and I'm sure her lovely smile will be a winner."

http://www.nme.com/media/images/tabloidlogo_L.jpg muttering: "If that fucking chimp lover comes near me tonight I'm going to bust his plastic nose. I mean, look at these trousers I've had to wear. They're a little washed out and quite frayed. I'm fucking disgusted."

The Mirror's Ever Vigilant 3am Girls today reveal that Dido was seen driving a car "very fast". They drop these sensational stories with impunity, with no sort of care over who they might effect.

Finally, scientists in Japan have discovered that male earwigs have a fully functioning standby penis. If it gets disturbed during mating, the male simply breaks off the member that had been in use and walks away. It will then get busy later with the second.

Email Tabloidhell@nme.com. Or click here to kiss Samantha Mumba.

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