TABLOID HELL - MAY 11 2001

Plus, Geri asks Spaniards to do yoga on her "fanny" (no, really), there's no need to buy any more Mel B records, as she isn't skint, and Mel C is unveiled as a role model...

TABLOID HELL - MAY 11 2001
Marilyn Manson is set to play a key role in the upcoming British general election.

According to The Mirror today (May 11), the God Of Fuck will act as prematurely balding and self-confessed heavy drinker Tory leader William Hague's chief doctor of spin, doing what he can to bring in the vote of an apathetic and disenfranchised youth.

In fact, this information is a little bogus. William Hague, who is a judo partner of Madonna husband and film director of limited ability Guy Ritchie, will have his spin spun in the election by Amanda Platell. Who The Mirror thinks looks like Marilyn Manson. Except "his make-up is infinitely more impressive".

The incredible shrinking woman makes a welcome return to the red tops today. This time she is asking Spanish men to do rude things to her, the scamp. According to The Star, lithe Geri, who has stopped eating food and now subsists on air and thimblefuls of dew, was asked to demonstrate her yoga moves on a television show in Spain. Geri was more than happy to oblige and replied, "Will you do yoga on my fanny?" Apparently, Geri, whose mother is Spanish, had intended to say, "Yes, will you do yoga with me." The host's response is unknown. This comes as a surprise to Tabloid Hell, as when Geri was at school, her chums called her 'brainbox' and the 'girl with two brains' and 'my god, I wouldn't like to try beating her in a long division mental arithmetic test'. That's probably not true.

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The Star also reports that Geri's former friend Gobby Spice has said she "isn't skint and doesn't need to move house". Which is a blessed relief. The Sun reports that her bloke, former Take That percussionist Max Beesley, ran out of money when attempting to buy friends some drinks recently. "He only had a tenner and could buy the beers but didn't have enough for an orange juice for himself," a 'man at the bar' reports, interestingly.

The Mirror's Ever-Vigilant 3am Girls run today with the story that they think Chunky Spice "looks great... an inspiration to all normal girls". They also reveal that Liverpool FC forward Robbie Fowler was spotted having his hair cut. In a hairdressing salon. In Liverpool.

Finally, police detectives in India have been ordered to buck up their ideas by watching crime shows on the Discovery Channel.

According to www.ananova.com, the officers in Vadodara have to watch 'Medical Detectives' every day to pick up handy tips.

"It's a fantastic series," reckons an excited Superintendent Keshav Kumar. "There is a lot to learn and absorb from the series for policemen."

"A motivated and inspired policeman will do the task of ten," says his boss, Special Inspector General Deepak Swaroop.

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