Who the hell is Matt Terry, the winner of this year’s series of The X Factor, which no-one watched?

Who is the man behind the X Factor winners' single? Join us on quest to find out.

The time has come again. Another X Factor winner has been crowned, another piece of glistening meat squeezed through Simon Cowell’s sausage machine. This one is a 23-year-old called Matt Terry and people say he looks like Louis Tomlinson from One Direction. A tube of human meat that looks like a pop star. It’s not the quite same thing as a new pop star, but in these straitened times, it is nourishment enough. But what do we know about the tasty morsel that they call Matt Terry? Let us lick our lips and stick him under the grill, until he is succulent and warm and his juices run clear.

The meat man that they call Matt Terry is from Bromley

I’ve been to Bromley. So have you. Bromley is everywhere you’ve ever been. There’s a big shopping centre and a Primark. The streets smell of rain and wet dog. There was a butchers, called Kennedy’s, which was famous for its sausages. It closed in 2007 but Matt Terry was born in 1993, so the dates check out.

 

He had a girlfriend. They split up but they’re still good friends

X Factor sob stories aren’t what they used to be. Young Matt Terry announced he was a single sausage when he entered the show. He delivered a winsome rendition of ‘Stand By Me’ by Ben E. King, having been recently dumped by his other half. That was his literally his entire sob story. To make matters worse, they put their differences aside and were soon good mates. I feel short-changed and furious.

Matt Terry has been in a boyband before

Yes, he has been reconstituted from the gristly parts of another pop entity. His former boyband was called Far Too Far. Marvin Humes from JLS was not in the band, but his younger brother was. You could say Matt Terry has been ex-Humed for this new shot at pop stardom.

He missed another chance at fame by just a few years

That’s right, Matt Terry studied at the D&B Academy of Performing Arts in Kent, an institution that later became the subject of an E4 reality show called Stage School. It appears that fate always had fame in store for the 23-year-old, but failed for years to chalk him up as a win.

 

Matt Terry will probably not be Christmas Number One

Like a caterpillar morphing into a butterfly, like a sausage sliding from its skin, this young man is becoming a pop star. He has been awarded his winner’s song, an Ed Sheeran-penned festive ballad called ‘When Christmas Comes Around’. But barely anyone watched this series of The X Factor. A man named Ben Haenow was the last show winner to hit Christmas number one. That was in 2014, and he Haenow been dropped by Syco. Let us hope that Matt Terry, a 23-year-old who looks a bit like Louis Tomlinson from One Direction, is not similarly out of the frying pan and into the fire.