TABLOID HELL - FEBRUARY 9

Aside from the Marshall Mathers madness, the tabloids tell us of arguably the most gruesome celebrity coupling ever - Michael Bolton and Pamela Anderson. Run for the hills...

Controversial rapper Eminem arrived in the UK yesterday and every one of today's papers (February 9), not just the red tops, devotes reams of black and white to his controversial antics.

Controversially, he swore during his show in Manchester Evening News Arena last night. According to The Star, he also controversially told the crowd he was going to drink himself to death, adding, "You can try this at home." Controversially he faked his own execution, sitting in an electric chair and controversially he changed into a RED tracksuit.

More interestingly, our favourite foully coiffured ageing crooner Michael Bolton has "got it on" with 'Silicone' Pam Anderson. Seems Michael - who we revealed a few weeks ago was set to play in a small Scottish highland restaurant for little more than a hearty breakfast - actually that was Curtis Stigers... or maybe Tony Curtis... anyway - Mr Bolton and Miss Anderson sealed their love over a tequila-drinking contest in the Bahamas. According to The Star, she won 4-2. The couple are inseparable. He eats goats. That's not true.

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After Patsy Kensit's revelations about Liam and his love-child stalked everyone's pages yesterday, today Liam tells The Sun that he wouldn't behave in such a way with Nicole Appleton. "I wouldn't cheat on Nicole... I'm quite happy being at home rubbing Nicole's tummy." Nicole agrees: "Liam just loves stroking my tummy." Patsy, meanwhile, graces the cover of The Mirror with pictures "that say: Liam, look what you're missing." On page three of the paper we can all see.

In other love child-related news, Luciana Morad, the Brazilian supermodel with whom Mick Jagger sired a young 'un, Lucas, went shopping yesterday to celebrate winning a £2.5 million settlement from the crinkly, thin-arsed one. According to The Sun she bought "a pair of Prada shoes for £300, a £1,000 computer, four £30 lip glosses - and some nappies".

Elsewhere, Liam and Noel's mum Peggy has said they are really good dads, Ricky Martin has admitted he cuts his own hair, Puffy has had generously proportioned mate Luther Vandross serenade J-Lo (all in The Star), Caprice is stepping out with Christian Burns from BBMak (The Mirror), Rod Stewart has called Glasgow Rangers fans "blue-nosed bastards" ahead of crunch league game with bitter rivals (and his team) Celtic (Daily Record), and Noddy Holder of '70s favourites Slade is the curious choice to star in a forthcoming West End Lloyd Webber musical based around the life of Franz Kafka. At least one of those is untrue.

Finally, footballing and boozing legend George Best has eschewed hospital food in favour of gourmet fare prepared by a local celebrity chef while recovering from a bout of pneumonia in a Belfast hospital. According to the Mirror he had a "cappuccino of mushroom broth and lobster salad", while other patients made do with "meat and mash". Quality.

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