TABLOID HELL - MARCH 26

Plus, get bent with Uri Geller, Mel B's lap-dancer rivals and sad news for Caprice's British fans...

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Michael Jackson sleeps with dummies. Michael Jackson sleeps with dummies provided by a woman who once dressed in curtains and wandered over mountains singing.

According to this morning's Daily Star (March 26), the chimp-loving wacko one has 17 mannequins - six adults and children of various ages - sitting on chairs in his bedroom. The room was designed, according to Wacko 's spec, by Charmian Carr, an actress (who starred in 'The Sound Of Music') turned interior designer. All the dummies have been dressed in clothes picked out by his mother and sister LaToya.

Meanwhile, Wacko's friend and guide, famous bender Uri Geller, gets into his stride in his new weekly column in The Mirror. This morning Uri, who made his name bending spoons, teaches readers... how to bend spoons. You need to be at party with like-minded people, he reckons: "Your efforts won't be helped if there's a moaning sceptic about... Tell your guests to hold up their spoons and shout, 'Bend, Bend'," he adds, before concluding with a remarkably odd phrase. "Everybody begins to believe that metal bending is possible for anyone. You'll all be tying knots in knives and loops in ladies - have fun!" Quite, Uri, quite.

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Back to the Star, where we find that Scary Spice Mel B's current squeeze, former Take That percussionist Max Beesley, has been enjoying the charms on offer at Spearmint Rhino - a London lap-dancing club of some repute. Seems Max "and his two pals couldn't keep their eyes off the gorgeous dancers, as they gyrated on the stage near their table". Tabloid Hell reminds its readers that today marks the beginning of National Cleavage Week.

The Mirror's ever-vigilant 3am Girls tell us that model-turned-singer Caprice (who incidentally crops up in several different guises today promoting the aforementioned National Cleavage Week) has decided to part company with her label Virgin (no sniggering at the back, please) in order to try her luck in the US. "Friends believe Caprice's British career hit the rocks because she fell victim to 'classic English snobbery'." Which of course is not the same thing as being unmitigated shite.

The Girls also tell us that Robbie Williams was spotted in a restaurant. Eating lunch.

Finally, as the Oscar ceremony glitzed its way across televisions the world over last night, the UK was playing host to its own distinguished ceremony - the Soap Oscars (as in television series rather than cleansing products). And at the ceremony, which sees winners picking up rather embarrassing and small imitation Oscar trophies decked out in little imitation tuxedos (this is not a lie), Tabloid Hell's favourite soap behemoth William Roach (that's Ken Barlow in 'Coronation Street' scooped a Lifetime Achievement Award. Ken/William/Ken has been in the show for over 40 years. In real life, he enjoys opening supermarkets. His wife won't let him leave the house until she has chosen his clothes.

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