TABLOID HELL - SEPTEMBER 17 2001

Plus - The Morrissey/Dennis chart face off, Bryan Ferry hires a car and free sandwiches...

Mick
Jagger[/url] is going to show his warts and all.

According to The
Sun (September 17), the frontman of The
Rolling Stones[/url], who used to be great and influential but are content now to
be old, commissioned a documentary about the making of his forthcoming solo
album. Directors were delighted with the result, "stunned" in fact, and "quickly
realised they had stumbled upon a goldmine". It is unclear at present just which
warts Mick[/url],
who has big lips but rarely spills his coffee, will show. "Mick[/url]
is fairly uninhibited," a source who has never met the man and can barely
identify him in photographs says. "There are people who are fairly shy about tiny
wee moles on their shoulders and such like, but not Mick[/url].
He probably doesn't have any moles anyway because he's a world famous sex
machine. As for this goldmine business, I don't know what that's all about. Such
mineral deposits are unheard of in the Home Counties and Mick[/url]
certainly doesn't live in the Yukon Valley."


Elsewhere, The Sun also reports that lanky comic adulterer and
alter-ego of Bob The Builder, Neil Morrissey, is
set for some chart competition. Morrissey, who as Tabloid Hell[/url] has previously pointed out,
used to be lead singer with 80s indie icons Smiths[/url]
before becoming a comedy actor in such hits as 'Men Behaving
Badly' and probably others, will have to battle it out with the man he
cuckolded Les Dennis, a game show host of some considerable
standing in the game show hosting world. So well respected is
Les that some of his peers call him Les 'The Host'
Dennis. Les is to team up with rock outfit
Frigid Vinegar to release 'Diddlysquat', a song
about game shows. "That indie twat Morrissey is probably
bricking it now," says a game show fan. "Les is a born
entertainer and he certainly has never sang miserable songs about being
miserable. He'll take great delight in rubbing Morrissey's nose
in it."

The Mirror's Ever Vigilant 3am Girls, today reveal that they
are really brilliant and that top angry chef Gordon Ramsay is
quite nice really and that he loves them, probably on account of them being
brilliant. They also reveal that Bryan Ferry hired a car from a
car hire place at Pisa Airport.

Email Tabloidhell@nme.com. Or click here for real hot lovin'.

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