TABLOID HELL – APRIL 27

Plus, Emma Bunton unmasked as fag hag, Dane Bowers defuses bar-room brawl and hellraising Boyzone member quits the bottle...

Five and a1 are going to have a fight.

Not content with verbally roughing up mushy-brained potheads S Club 7, the hardmen of strict dance moves and big trousers Five are turning their attention to those nice, polite Brit Award winners.

According to The Star (April 27), J from Five (real name J) reckons a1 “copy everybody else’s songs and videos”. J, whose band copied Queen for their last single, ‘We Will Rock You’, adds diplomatically, “I’m not knocking them, but they are crap.”

But a1 are not going to sit idly by as their reputation is challenged in such heavyweight circles. “If he’s serious, let’s prove it,” fumes the group’s Mark Read. “Let’s get onstage together and perform an unplugged session in a face-off and see who’s the best band.”

Mark is a sensible young man and, obviously concerned about his fans, would not encourage any violence. “I don’t want to fight him,” sensible Mark reasons. “If he wants to fight, he should take up boxing.”

Elsewhere, Emma Bunton is at present probably running scared of her mother, who is also her best friend. You see, Cleavage Spice has been caught smoking. According to The Mirror, Emma, while sucking merrily on a fag, happened to stroll into shot when a film crew were making a documentary about something completely different in a London club recently. Baby flew into a rage and demanded to be given the offending footage.

“Do you want me to sue you, do you want me to take you to court? I have a clean-living image to protect and I don’t want to be filmed smoking a cigarette,” she pointed out. She didn’t get the tape. It should be noted here that the show which caught Emma on camera just happens to be called ‘Stars Behaving Badly’ – the title of the show is self-explanatory. Tabloid Hell does not believe for a second that Emma, keen to reposition herself as a solo artist with her own identity, was involved in a crude publicity stunt. In the same way that Tabloid Hell would not suggest a1 and Five, gearing up for new releases and feeling the Hear’say pinch, are involved in any similar stunt.

The Sun, meanwhile, returns to a fighting theme. Apparently Dane ‘I’m fat – love me’ Bowers and Mark ‘Now where on earth did I leave my career, I’m sure I had it with me’ Morrison squared up to each other in a central London bar. An onlooker says, “There were a lot of dirty stares and everyone was sure there was going to be trouble. It looked very threatening.” Of course, no punches were thrown. Bowers has a single due for imminent release.

And rock wildman Stephen Gately has announced he has quit drinking. The singer, renowned for wild booze binges, making drug-taking a dark art and bedding a bevy of the world’s most glamorous women has gone teetotal. Actually, just remembered, that’s not him, that’s Jimmy Page. Stephen Gately is a former member of Boyzone, whose solo career is teetering on the brink of collapse. He has indeed quit drinking.

The Mirror’s Ever-Vigilant 3am Girls today reveal that Ben Fogle was seen walking down Bond Street in London. Ben Fogle is a posh bloke who months back appeared as one of the get-away-from-responsibilities-for-a-year castaways on the BBC television programme of the same name. The Mirror’s Ever-Vigilant 3am Girls today report that Ben Fogle was seen walking down a street. They really do.

Finally, police and vets in Thailand have called off a search for a monkey with a coconut stuck to its head.

According to ananova.com, the animal escaped to the jungle near the resort of Bang Saen some weeks ago.

“My vet and local forestry officers visited the site but could not locate this monkey,” explains Pisit na Patalung, Director General of the Thailand Zoological Park Organisation. “It is presumed the monkey would have dislodged the coconut on its own.”

And a 68-year-old cemetery worker in Germany banged his head and died after falling into a grave he had just dug, says The Mirror.