TABLOID HELL – FEBRUARY 7

Plus - Bowie's bad hair day, and great gossip about Robbie Williams and Craig David's lovechild...

The pop pages roundly commiserate the confirmation by ALL SAINTS at the NME AWARDS last night that they’ve have jacked in their forthcoming tour (see NME.COM’s story earlier today for details), and photos of lovebirds Nic and Liam smooching – and in the case of the Daily Record Noel and Liam swapping cheesy grins in a rare display of brotherly union – abound.

The Star dedicates its front page to Eminem’s imminent arrival in the UK, informing the genius bad-boy rapper/homophobic mysogynist that he’s booked a room “in the heart of Europe’s biggest pink community,” a stone’s thrown from Canal Street, the “gay village” of Manchester.

reports. Maybe she should’ve gone along to those auditions if all the juicy numbers are gonna get snatched from under her nose…

Meanwhile Popstars, oops, sorry Hearsay bod (see, it just isn’t the same!) Suzanne Shaw is the latest in the line-up to have her granny unleashed on the press armed with embarrassing snaps of the little angel on her way to planet pop through the years. There can’t be much more of this gut-wrenching cuteness before the backlash starts. Surely.

David Bowie’s spotted sporting a shaggy new ‘do at the premiere of ‘Hannibal’, looking like a cross between ‘Kalifornia’-period Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston on a bad day.

Judging by the #10,000 a month payout he’s receiving as part of the divorce settlement, Mick Jagger’s baby son Lucas must be wearing pure silk disposable nappies. Until he’s 21.

And now that we’ve had genetically modified pop, it seems GM garage is next on the menu with a Robbie Williams-Craig David lovechild eerily named Robbie Craig. He’s already done the rounds with Artful Dodger and Craig David and now it seems that Robbie went “Brilliant!” in a Fast Show-style when Robbie, or should that be Craig, approached him about doing a duet. The two Robbies, a double dose of David… it’s all too much. Tabloid Hell’s head hurts now and we’re off for a siesta. Adios.