TABLOID HELL – FEBRUARY 12

And let's not overlook Eminem's fixation with Jordan's butt, the snap of Mel C with another woman and the discovery of one of Ian Brown's distant relations...

BRYAN’N’KERRY have had a fight.

Our favourite alternative to Posh’n’Becks – Westlife’s Bryan “Beefy” McFadden and Kerry “I used to be in Atomic Kitten and want to go back now they’ve had a hit” Katona had, it appears, a minor spat on a recent shopping trip.

According to this morning’s Daily Star, the pair were in Mothercare in Newcastle at the weekend looking for clothes and a buggy for their baby, due on September 5. Seems they just couldn’t agree on what sort of pram to get. “They were looking at prams and arguing about which one. Kerry went pretty quiet.” it wasn’t too serious. They did get “stuff” in the end. A blessed relief.

Meanwhile, The Sun reports that Kerry’s ex-bandmates seem intent on erasing her very being. They are set to re-record much of debut album ‘Right Now’ (remember it went into the charts with a bullet at Number 34 last year) with new vocalist Jenny “according to News Of The World, fond of the bonnets of Ford Mondeos” Frost. How quickly they forget. The Sun also tells us that Jo from S Club 7 thinks putting her “teddies” (for the sake of argument here let’s assume that’s “teddy bears”) in a box “hurts their feelings”. She also thinks that blowing on candyfloss causes it undue discomfort and that sometimes little flowers cry. This may be stretching the truth a little. All the red-tops, meanwhile, carry a picture of Spice Girl Mel C leaving a nightclub at the weekend. With a woman. Holding hands. If that isn’t conclusive proof that she has once left a club holding hands with a woman, I don’t know what is.

The Mirror also brings us the rather distressing news that Sting has split from his manager, Miles Copeland, after 25 years. Seems Miles got fed up waiting for Sting to make meetings as “the old slaphead was usually a day or two into a 96-hour tantric sexathon. He really could go some.” That’s completely made up – a damn lie, in fact. The real reason, of course, is that “the former Police frontman wanted more control over his career”. The Mirror also breaks the news that Run DMC ate at Zilli Fish, a kind of trendy restaurant in London.

Back to The Sun, where Luciana Morad, the mother of Mick Jagger’s love-child Lucas, says the 19-month-old is wasting no time keeping up with dad. “He likes pretty girls, especially black girls. Every time he meets a model, he starts smiling. And he looks just like a mini-Mick.”

Luciana, who lives in Brazil, shows a rather open interpretation of geography. “I wish Mick could see [Lucas] every day,” she said. Mick lives in London.

Elsewhere, Eminem apparently took a great interest in the generously balanced Jordan’s rear-end at his Ministry Of Sound aftershow on Friday (February 9), but still went home alone with a bucket of KFC wings; Robbie Williams paid a flying visit to his old school in Stoke-on-Trent, also on Friday (both Daily Star); and Bryan Ferry had dinner in Drones, Knightsbridge (the ever-vigilant 3am Girls in The Mirror).

Finally, scientists the world over keep finding new species of plants and animals. According to The Express, a new stripy-faced nocturnal deer, the vu quang ox, was found recently on the border between Vietnam and Laos. And “three new species of lemur, including the brown mouse lemur, have been found [in Madagascar]. One is the world’s smallest primate, weighing only 30 grammes and small enough to fit in an eggcup.”

Makes you think.