TABLOID HELL – MARCH 8

Plus, all the latest goings on in the bizarre world of so-called King Of Pop Wacko Jacko and bruiser Britney's "Beat it, honey" outburst...

Rejoice. KERRY’s back in the news. Sadly it is but a brief return.

Miss ‘Kalm Down’ Katona, the former Atomic Kitten starlet forced to give up celebrity life while on the cusp of true chart-topping greatness – in order to have a baby with Westlife’s Bryan McFadden – has been playing Cupid.

According to this morning’s Mirror, Kerry set up old friend and former bandmate Natasha Hamilton with one Fran Cosgrove, a bouncer for Westlife.

The Mirror remains on a Westlife tip, telling us that wildman Nicky Byrne was spotted “getting his ears pierced in Claire’s Accessories in Sheffield”, the little tyke. When his mother finds out, it’ll break her heart. She’ll insist on confession at the very least for errant Mr Byrne, possibly also morning mass throughout Lent and several novenas for extra forgiveness.

Meanwhile, Wacko Watch remains in full effect right across the morning papers.

The Sun carries a heart-warming story of a teddy-bears’ picnic the chimp-loving superstar held with fading former child actor Macaulay Culkin. Earlier this week, he and Culkin were seen on Jacko’s bed at the Lanesborough Hotel with “a bunch of teddy bears watching ‘Toy Story 2’ on video”. A hotel worker tells The Sun: “It was quite surreal – one of the world’s biggest megastars and a fading actor sitting on a bed watching a cartoon surrounded by cuddly toys.” There is no evidence to support the rumour that the pair fell out during playtime a little later, with Michael left huffing in the corner because Macaulay wouldn’t let him be Buzz Lightyear.

The Sun also reports on Michael showing up to be best man at Uri Geller’s wedding. Their story wins headline of the day for ‘Bender Gets Wed’ – Uri Geller, of course, bends spoons for a living. They also win intro of the day for ‘Something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue… and that was just best man’s Jacko’s face!’. Michael was two hours late for the ceremony and apparently only hung around for a couple of hours, before excitedly zooming off to play Buzz Lightyear. No, rather to go to a fan convention in London.

Elsewhere, Britney’s been getting catty. According to the Star, Miss Spears got her claws out when she spied a ‘scantily-clad’ would-be love rival showing a little too much attention to boyfriend Justin Timberlake at an LA club recently. Dragging Justin off, Britney also squared up to the woman – who was ‘a real knockout’ apparently.

“Beat it, honey,” said the fearless teen queen. “I know what you’re trying and its not working.” The woman struck back, reminding Britney of the bar’s 21 age-limit and threatened to phone the police and have her arrested. Britney has since given up drinking tequila, according to The Mirror. It is not clear if the two happenings are related.

Finally, Philip Stubbs of Berkeley in Gloucestershire has built a bit of “a playroom for the kids” at the bottom of his garden. Mr Stubbs must be a popular dad. The playroom, according to the Daily Mail, is a “three-storey building, at almost 100ft by 30 ft… four times the size” of his bungalow. The ‘playroom’ includes a pool, a gym, changing rooms, a snooker room and a six-car garage. Mr Stubbs is not in line for any good neighbour awards.