ON THE COUCH WITH LUKE HAINES

Main man in The Auteurs, Black Box Recorder and Baader Meinhoff on life, the universe and everything...

Which song describes you best?

“‘One Chord Wonders’ by The Adverts.”

What is heaven?

“A club in the 1980s.”

What is hell?

“A plane full of rats. I despise flying and my only real fear is rats, so both together would be hell.”

What is your earliest memory?

“Being in the kitchen looking out on a snowy day. ‘Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep’ on the radio, a few days before Christmas.”

What’s your greatest fear?

“Aside from rats, all forms of transport. Apart from lifts and escalators which are both safe.”

Who’s your all-time hero?

“Used to be Mark E Smith when I was about 14, then Robert Forster at around 20. Now I’ve lost all that sort of thing.”

What’s the worst trouble you’ve been in?

“I don’t get into trouble, I cause it. I like a bit of mischief.”

Who was the first love of your life?

“Debbie Long, 1983.”

Upon whom would you most like to exact revenge?

“Can’t say. I wouldn’t want to lose the element of surprise or make any idle threats.”

What’s your most treasured possession?

“A jacket worn by David Essex in Stardust.”

What have you most regretted doing while drunk?

“I have no regrets. I’m a positive drinker.”

What can you cook?

“I don’t cook.”

What’s the best piece of advice you’ve received?

“Never be self effacing. Although I still don’t stick to it.”

Can you read music?

“Yes.”

If you were invisible for a day, what would you do?

“I’ve been invisible for years and I made a load of records.”

If you had three wishes, what would they be?

“Health, happiness and three more wishes.”