ON THE COUCH WITH BETH

Her first love was Brian, a sort of corduroy toy lion that has since worn away; awwww....

Which song describes you best?

‘Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood’ by Nina Simone.”

What is heaven?

“Heaven is what we spend our lives trying to find.”

What is hell?

“The war in Yugoslavia. And the evil that everyday people are capable of, which I think is bred from paranoia.”

What is your earliest memory?

“Being scared of sand. I remember sitting on a blanket at the seaside, poking at the sand very quickly and being quite frightened of it.”

What’s your greatest fear?

“I’d say my greatest fear is fear itself.”

Who is your all-time hero?

“Oooh. I don’t know. I reckon maybe it might be the taxi driver I had last night, Janet. Anyone with spirit and life force and the will to sort of make a go of things, you know? I quite admire people like that.”

What’s the worst trouble you’ve been in?

“I don’t believe in trouble. Because I think that trouble is sometimes good, sometimes bad. I’ve been known to be called trouble, which I think is quite a compliment. But I suppose, thinking about it, that my best and worst trouble has always had something to do with a man.”

Who was the first love of your life?

Brian, the lion. My mum made him for me. He’s a lion made out of corduroy, sort of in the shape of a turd. With a big flat corduroy face and trifle nose made out of Fuzzy Felt, a wool mane and a little wool tail. And now all that exists of Brian the lion is his head. His body disintegrated.”

What is your greatest talent?

“I suppose it must be bringing people together. I’m quite good at that, I think.”

Upon whom would you most like to exact revenge?

“No-one. I reckon what goes around comes around. I do. I don’t need to do it, because eventually it just sort of happens anyway.”

What is your most treasured possession?

“My guitar. And my self-respect.”

What have you most regretted doing while drunk?

“Definitely shagging the wrong person. It has to be. Awful business. Suddenly you wake up in bed with your best friend or something. Awful.”

What can you cook?

“Anything I put my mind to. I like to cook.”

What is the best piece of advice you’ve received?

“‘No matter. Fail better next time.'”

Can you read music?

“No.”

If you were invisible for a day, what would you do?

“Close my eyes.”

If you had three wishes, what would they be?

“If I told you, they wouldn’t come true. Ha! I got out of that, didn’t I?”