Instead, we're subjected to silly Billie Piper, balding '80s pop stars, and a series of tedious love wars...

Barely out of nappies herself, Billie Piper (18) is reported in the Daily Record as having given her speccy sugar-daddy CHRIS EVANS (34) near heart-failure when she rang his Virgin Radio “Celebrity Bumps” game to bet that she’d get up the duff this year. But surely it’s all in jest, unless the pop kid she’s set to play in new £5 million murdery mystery flick ‘Tabloids’ – when she makes her big screen acting debut alongside the esteemed John Hurt – is also in the family way… The movie is also reported in The Sun to be co-starring Beverley Callard from British soap opera Coronation Street and recently-dropped telly presenter Gail Porter. Don’t look out yer Oscar frocks just yet girls…

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The Star says *N Sync heart-throb Justin Timberlake is “infuriated” because his badly-dressed-bird Britney Spears fancies former movie brat Macaulay Culkin. “He quickly got Macaulay on the phone and basically told him to stay away from Britney – or else,” the paper tells us. But a pal added that Culkin is set on a celebrity deathmatch: “Mac is definitely out to woo her – and he’s making progress.”

In fact, it’s a right old day for love wars in The Star. “Five star Scott Robinson’s love for his childhood sweetheart is causing a rift within the band,” reveals their AAA page. Scott’s been dating Kerry Oaker since 1997, before the boyband found fame, and they recently got engaged. But now “a source” says the other four are pointing the finger at her and resentment of Yoko Ono-esque proportions is a-brewing: “Five haven’t really been on the scene for quite a few months now and the other lads are a bit put out. I know they don’t like the hold Kerry has on Scott. She is not happy with the amount of his time the band takes up. The others see her as a threat to the success they have worked so hard for.”

Quote of the week appears in Sky magazine’s Kerry Katona interview, where, in the text within a scantily-clad pic session, she describes being pilloried at a family planning clinic: “They were like, ‘Look at her, the slapper, getting the morning-after pill.’ But I was getting a six-month supply of the Pill. At least I’m being careful, girls.”

No such racy nonsense for S Club 7’s Hannah Spearritt who, we are informed, has “shunned Porsches and Ferraris” in favour of a wee Peugeot 106, and even THEN had a hard time getting insurance. Ah, the life of a pop starlet is truly a tough one sweetie innit…

Madonna should know. The luxury holiday camp by the Ganges in India that she’s “speculated” to be heading for in The Express has had to pack up its’ pristine bedding and leave after “objections from Hindu holy men to what they describe as a ‘five-star invasion’.” Spoilsports, you never heard whingeing like that from Dornoch where she tied the knot in December, did you?

PS… could it be true? Has the All Saints hype pony finally been flogged to death? It’s all quiet on the Nic n’ Nat n’ Mel n’ Shaz battlefront so far this morning… phew…