TABLOID HELL – APRIL 10

Plus - Westlife's alcohol hell, Mikey Graham's exhaustion hell, and yet more rubbish about Geri...

So they’re finally going to do it.

According to The Mirror (April 10), superwealthy and ginger Chris Evans and his teenage chipmunk-like girlfriend Billie Piper are getting wed. The pair, who have been together for four months, decided to cement their bond on a romantic trip to Paris celebrating Evans’ birthday earlier this month – (the ginger but fabulously wealthy DJ and media mogul has a showbiz age of 35).

Apparently it was little Billie who proposed. The wedding is set for August in the grounds of the ginger multi-millionaire’s £6 million country estate. Tabloid Hell notes that the question was popped on April 1.

Elsewhere, Westlife have been told to cut down boozing. The Sun claims record bosses have told the boys that if they want to crack the US market, they’ll have to appear more clean-cut. This request was not made on April 1. It appears that the wholesome fivesome are perceived by Americans as a quintet of George Bests. “While their cheeky lad image might be OK for European teenagers, they have to be 100 per cent clean-cut for the American market,” a label insider says. Parents in the US, the insider goes on, get very upset about the idea of their children drinking alcohol. It is of course an admirable sentiment, and an example of sensible parenting. High-powered semi-automatic weapons are freely available in the US. However, Tabloid Hell shudders to think what US parents will make of confessed potheads and drug abusers S Club 7, a band who revel in their new found devil-may care insouciance – probably because their brains are clouded by mind-bending drugs.

, formerly of Boyzone.

Graham, says The Star, is ‘ON THE EDGE’. Poor Mikey has been ordered home from a promotional tour of Germany suffering from exhaustion. The three-day jaunt to push new single ‘You Could Be My Everything’ – which entered the UK charts with a bullet on Sunday (April 8) at number 62 – proved too much and he has been ordered to “take time out and rest up for a few weeks”. It is quite a blow for Mikey because, like ‘Baywatch”s Brando David Hasselhoff, he is quite a star in Germany. In fact, “he’s bigger than Ronan”. Mikey releases his debut solo album ‘Meet Me Halfway’ on Monday (April 16) and The Star provides words of succour and warmth at this nervous time. Regardless of flagging sales and general lack of interest, “there is no chance of Mikey being dropped by the record label which has released both the single and the album,” they cheerily report, “because he owns it.”

The Mirror’s ever vigilant 3am Girls report today that moderately successful boyband Damage – amongst whose number you can count Jade, boyfriend of current number one star Cleavage Spice – have been ordered back into the studio to re-record a series of mobile phone messages for fans. The messages recorded previously were too mucky, the scamps. They also report that statuesque posh-bird actress Joanna Lumley was spotted in a DIY store.

There is of course a token mention for Bendy Spice in at least one of today red tops – maintaining a record of appearing every day since Gutenburg invented the printing press. Jonathan Ross is quoted in the The Sun describing her as someone who “can’t sing and can’t really dance. And she’s starving herself. She now looks like a 13-year-old Greek boy”. This may be of interest of old friend George Michael (in a classical ancient Greek walking with Plato sort of way).

Finally, garage boss Gordon Buckley got the send-off he had always wanted when his coffin was carried for his funeral on the back of a flatbed truck. Gordon, from Oldham, “had said his beloved yellow rescue vehicle should be used as his hearse when he died,” explains The Sun. The Mercedes 814 was “bedecked with wreaths and bouquets to bear his body”. “‘He would have loved it,'” says his brother-in-law David Adams. The side of the truck bears the words ’24 hour recovery’.