TABLOID HELL – APRIL 4

Plus, Janet Jackson says, "P Diddy? Well, he shouldn't have taken all those diuretics, then, should he?" Or something like that. Meanwhile, Craig David impresses nobody with his cooking tips and Kylie

BILLIE PIPER and significantly older, multi-millionaire boyfriend CHRIS EVANS have bought a lovenest for £7.5million in LONDON’s CHELSEA.

Or, rather, multi-millionaire Chris Evans has bought a £7.5million lovenest for himself and significantly younger teenage girlfriend Billie Piper in Chelsea. And according to today’s Daily Star (April 4), the pair are set to wed. Ginger-haired but hugely wealthy Chris is said to have proposed to Billie “during a romantic meal”. He then asked the 18-year-old’s parents for the all-clear “at an Indian restaurant”. While Billie is significantly younger than Chris, with a pop career on the slide, Chris is a multi-millionaire.

The Star also reveals today that Janet Jackson gave the flick to P Diddy (the artist formerly known as Puff Daddy) after he invited her up to his house in the Hamptons for the ‘weekend’. Janet was not keen to form “an intimate working relationship” with the Diddyman. Janet is, though, keen on new squeeze Q-Tip. They are, she says, “very close friends” who have a lot of “conversations”. Q-Tip may not be so keen on these conversations. “Sometimes he’ll just leave music on the phone,” Janet says, confusingly.

The same paper reports that Craig David is not a man to ask for cooking tips. While dismissing threats on his life with a very zen, “que sera sera” attitude, the man with an infinite capacity for syllables per sentence says, “Death threats are one of those things that you have to take with a pinch of salt.” Like scrambled eggs.

The Mirror’s ever-vigilant 3am Girls are incandescent with rage this morning. They were present at the Maxim Magazine Women Of The Year Awards yesterday at London’s Park Lane Hotel but incredibly DIDN’T WIN A BLASTED THING. “Posh shop girl Lady Victoria Hervey was astonishingly named Most Stylish Woman,” they bitch, before compiling a list of other winners at what they have decided was nothing more than a “lunchtime booze-up”. Incidentally, model turned failed popstar Caprice picked up a gong for International Woman Of The Year. It is not clear why.

The slighted 3am Girls also report that Kylie, admirably, made her boyfriend James Gooding apologise to bouncers at her Hammersmith Apollo show, after he had ranted at them for not recognising him and letting him in immediately. Kylie then led him out on to the footpath, called her car, got into it on her own. And then sped off. She could very quickly become Tabloid Hell’s favourite gently ageing, a little rough round the edges, popstar.

The Sun, returns us to the artist formerly known as Puff Daddy. His generously hipped ex, Miss J Lo, has been rhapsodising about her new man Cris Judd. As well as being a curious speller, Mr Judd is “stable and calm”. Which is a ringing endorsement from one lover to another, the like of which is rarely heard.

Finally, Mirror readers have felt the need to vent their spleens again. To incredible effect. These two letters appear in today’s paper and provide evidence again that there are a lot of bored pensioners out there.

“I was delighted to read that Sir Norman Wisdom is a superstar in Albania. What a joy to see him smiling, doing a lap of honour around a football pitch – at 86 he’s an inspiration to us all.”

Though quite a read, this, from Mrs P Springett of Tunbridge Wells runs away with it.

“I would like to see all the TV quiz show hosts take part in ‘The Weakest Link’. It could be presented by Vanessa Feltz with the following as contestants: Anne Robinson, Richard Whiteley, Carol Vorderman, Bob Monkhouse, Dale Winton, David Frost, Chris Tarrant and Sue Barker.” She adds, “What compulsive viewing that would be.” Indeed, Mrs Springett.