TABLOID HELL – JUNE 14 2001

Plus - Michael Jackson's unicorns, incredible teeth help Ritchie Neville grab a new woman and a mathematical miracle...

Billie didn’t like the gift.

According to The Sun (June 14), teenage bride Billie Piper thought little of her ginger husband Chris Evans’ attempt to make things up to her by taking her to a cricket match. As reported yesterday, Evans, who would have £800,000 left if he bought 80 million bottles of pop at 99p each, made Billie, who is 75 years younger, cry recently and generously took her to the game as a way of saying ‘Sorry dear, I really am’.

, the other fan, says, “as the shirt was pretty cheap.”

Meanwhile, Michael Jackson has decided to cheer himself up by buying a nice brooch. According to The Star, the £2 million trinket will be embossed with the slogan ‘King Of Pop’. Michael is, of course, lucky to have come across such an item of jewellery as he has frequently been called the ‘King Of Pop’ (in this instance ‘pop’ is an abbreviation of popular music rather than reference to a carbonated sweet drink, of which Chris Evans could be partial). Further, the brooch comes with a crest featuring a lion and a unicorn flanking a glove, a crown, a Grammy Award and a fedora hat. Michael will probably be ‘moonwalking’ with glee at all of these as he has won Grammy Awards, wears a glove and a fedora hat and keeps a herd of unicorn on his ‘Nevermind’ Ranch.

Disturbingly, the Incredible Shrinking Woman is nowhere to be found in any of the Red Tops today. Tabloid Hell is more than happy to right that particular wrong by featuring her.

Geri‘s good friend Robbie Williams does pop up though. In The Star he is pictured walking along a beach in the south of France in front of a woman with no covering on her breasts while in The Mirror, he is seen on the same beach walking in front of a different woman with some covering on her breasts. Robbie is thought to be on holiday.

The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls today reveal that Ritchie Neville from Five has got a new girlfriend. Ritchie, who has girls’ eyelashes and teeth like a horse dentist’s wet dream, was dumped by teenage bride Billie Piper at the end of last year so she could take up with the fizzy drink-loving trillionaire now known as her husband. His new squeeze, Joanna Taylor, was until a few weeks ago the girlfriend of roly poly R&B sensation Dane Bowers.

The hotshot trio also reveal today that former World Footballer of Year, Ronaldo, was spotted leaving a restaurant in London with “a brunette”.

Finally, an elemental law of maths has been turned on its head. An Indian mathematician claims to have discovered a new value for pi (). Though believed since ancient times to have been somewhere around 3.14, Professor Stephen Vadakkan says he’s now calculated a value of 3.1333978.

According to[url=]www.ananova.com

, Professor Vadakkan says the figure can be reached by dividing 18 by the square root of 33.

Unsuprisingly, Professor Vadakkan wants the value to be internationally recognised.

Email Tabloidhell@nme.com with alternative values of pi () – all calculations must be included – and with news of any sightings of Mars.