TABLOID HELL – DECEMBER 5 2001

Plus - A delusional Geri and the J-Lo/Kylie dress farrago...

BJORK and PAUL from S CLUB 7 are the stars of a before-they-were-famous feature in today’s SUN (December 5).

Embarrassing snaps of these giants of contemporary music taken quite literally a few years ago suggest that without soft lighting, good make up and megabucks promotional budgets, the unemployment figures would swell.

A professor of physiognomy studied the pictures for NME.COM. “What a waste of fucking newsprint. Anybody would look different at the age of ten two decades on, but Bjork looks like no one else in the world. As everybody knows, she was sent from Jupiter to colonise Earth. That woman has a face like a halibut and no amount of time will change that.

“The only differences in those pictures of Paul from S Club 7 is that an overpaid stylist has told him to stop looking like he’s just got the punchline to a joke he read in a Christmas cracker the previous year when he’s having his photo taken, and that fucking laughable attempt at a goatee beard. The twat looks like he just came last in a grow-a-beard competition held by 14-year-olds. Maybe his stylist told him it’d make his fans think he was at least 17, therefore might have his own car and have something going for him.”

The Mirror meanwhile reports that Geri Halliwell, formerly known as The Fat Slapper in mid-90s pop sensations Spice Girls, says the brilliance of her album explains why 1million people bought it. It’s 120,000 copies sold, you malnourished numbskull, and most of those were bought for subsequently pissed off kids by their relatives who haven’t got a clue that the kids really want ‘Garage Hits 2001’, an AK-47 and a bag of crack for their birthdays, rather than the tedious, self-obsessed, lukewarm dribblings that keep you in nutritious vitamin-based drinks with zero calories. We suggest you keep quiet darling until you’ve eaten a decent meal that will supply your brain with sufficient oxygen to understand simple arithmetic and the fact that George Michael is gay.