TABLOID HELL – AUGUST 16 2001

Plus - Westlife's dreams fulfilled, the battle of 'The Planet Of The Apes', and the President urges his subjects to take many wives...

Bjork performs with eskimos.

According to The Daily Star, the Icelandic singer, who has been described in the past as a pixie even though she is not, showed up for a recording of ‘Top Of Pops’ with 15 eskimos in full traditional costume as her backing band. The Star reports that the Eskimos were “bemused.” Tabloidhell@nme.com understands that kind-hearted Bjork, who was formerly an actress in a long running Scandinavian soap opera about a singer until she fell out with her cleaner, was intent on taking the Eskimos on a fishing trip. She instructed her recording label, which has in the past released records by the singer, to find a barge that could be used on canals and waterways through the southwest of England.

The singer is understood to be keen to help the Eskimos, most of whom are from Greenland, learn to love fishing again after they and their families suffered during the cod wars of the 70s.

Elsewhere, The Sun reports that one of Westlife has fulfilled his dream ambition. Kian (pronounced Kian) has bought a top-of-the-range Porsche Boxster. “It’s incredible – I’m only 21 and have fulfilled one of my greatest dreams,” says Kian, the group’s lead guitarist and drummer. Kian is not the only one of Westlife to fulfil his dream ambition. Mark Feehily, the main songwriter and sometime member of 90s boyband breakthroughs New Kids On The Block, has recently seen one of his dreams realised. Tabloid Hellchooses to say that Feehily recently had his photograph taken standing next to the Holy Shrine at Knock in the middle of Ireland’s bleak boglands, a place of pilgrimage to the country’s population of some 28 million Catholics. “Mark loved Knock,” a fellow shrine visitor might say. “He just stood looking at the holy wall – God bless it – smiling and probably offering up prayers and such like. I reckon it fulfilled a long standing dream for him.”

The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls today report exclusively from the ‘Planet Of The Apes’ premiere party. The Star’s Lighter Haired Bitches also report exclusively from the same party.

Finally, the President of Sudan, Omar Hassan al-Bashir, has urged his subjects to take many wives in order to increase the size of the population. Sudan’s current population of 30 million needs a boost, he reckons.

Men are currently allowed up to four wives.

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