TABLOID HELL – AUGUST 29 2001

Plus - Robbie's rubbery mask, the Ever Vigilant 3am Girls meet The God Of Fuck and the Monkey Man of India is back...

Shane Lynch is about to sing for Ireland.

According to The Daily Star (August 29) the former Boyzone car mechanic is to front a new ad campaign for the Irish Tourist Board. The Board will use the song ‘Let Me Take You To A Place’ by Shane and his new Hiphop collective Redhill in their new bid to attract visitors from 37 countries. It is a bold, radical approach for the Board, which in the past used talking potatoes, talking donkeys, nuns, talking potato donkey nuns and the music of The Cranberries to bring in the tourists.

“Well, it’s like this,” a member of the board should tell Tabloid Hell. “Ireland is a terrifically advanced country. Since The Pope came we have brilliant airports – so tourists have a means of arriving and departing. And we’re no longer just run by priests (though if Father McAnespie heard me saying that he wouldn’t let out of confession for a month, the skitter!). We want to attract youngsters from the ‘hood’ in downtown New York or Nevada or Rome – though if I lived in Rome I don’t think I’d ever want to go anywhere except the Vatican ever.

“My niece says that the young Lynch fellow can speak the lingo and I believe he used to be in U2, so everybody will know him. I liked that song he did about being on a rollercoaster for life, but for some reason that wasn’t available.”

Elsewhere, Robbie Williams has turned into a big rubbery mask. The popular singer, who used to be guitarist with former top rating boyband Blur, stepped off the plane at Heathrow Airport to reveal the new look to startled onlookers looking on. “Bloody Hell, that’s fucking terrifying,” one onlooker told Tabloid Hell at the scene. “He looks just like Robbie Williams with a death mask of Robbie Williams made of light rubber or some other malleable material placed on top of his regular face.” Robbie Williams‘s new look is not what is expected of top selling international recording stars. The Mirror sums up the nation’s unease and need for an explanation. “For Wacko Jacko, read Wacko Robbie,” they conclude in a dry, well-realised epithet.

was spotted buying books in a bookshop.

Finally, the Monkey Man of India is back. Several months after foolish naysayers claimed the New Delhi beast was a figment of imagination, it has resurfaced in a village called Rupas. Already 10 attacks have been attributed to the creature that is covered in hair, stands on its hind legs and looks like a monkey.

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