TABLOID HELL – 24 OCTOBER 2001

Plus, Geri's new house and footballers go shopping shock...

BRITNEY has been doing dirty dancing.

According to the Daily Star (October 24), the singer who had a world-wide hit with ‘…Baby One More Time’ and another with a track that sounded like the original but was slightly different, went with boyfriend Justin Timberlandlake to an LA table-dancing club.

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This is not the first time that Britney Spears, a non-drinking virgin from a US town, has copied things she has seen during an evening out. Tabloid Hell has learnt that she caused consternation amongst her entourage when she pretended to be a petrol pump for three hours after visiting a filling station. “And that’s nothing,” a man says. “The time she went to Tesco’s she almost caused a riot. She really liked the ‘bleeping’ sound that groceries and other household items made as they were swiped across the till. She slipped off from her minders and secreted herself under one such till. When one ‘bleep’ registered above her she mimicked the sound perfectly. At first, it just made a few shoppers confused, but as the tills got busier it became impossible to control. She was throwing her voice and making twice the number of allowed ‘bleeps’ in the 10 items or less aisle. There were fights starting all over the place. And as she stood up to get away, she banged her head. It was a terrible day. Much worse than the time we took her to the Safari Park.”

Elsewhere, Hairy Gelliwell has finally found a new house. The Incredible Shrinking Woman is said to be delighted. “She hated living out of suitcase,” The Sun reports. This is of course a distortion of the truth. In recent weeks yoga loving Hairy has NOT been living in a suitcase, but in a commemorative coffee mug in her mother’s house. “She had been living in her boyfriend’s basketball shoe,” a man says. “He’s about eight feet tall and has huge feet which he grew in order to play professional basketball professionally. But Geri has been doing so much yoga, particularly big cow milking slow moon in green pants, that she has shrunk to the size of a small child’s hand – promotional videos for her singles can be very deceptive. So her mother moved her into her cupboard in a large yellow commemorative mug. She’s quite happy but has no intention of moving into a large central London flat of her own. That would be madness.”

The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls today reveal that Manchester United’s shockingly gifted midfield wizard Juan Sebastian Veron was seen shopping in Manchester, near where he works.

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