TABLOID HELL – JULY 20 2001

Plus - Wedding bells for Liam and Nicole, Geri's piss and, erm, Suzi Quatro's ghosts...

It’s a Cher cop.

According to the Daily Star, Britney Spears has revealed that she is “deliberately modelling her career on the star old enough to be her granny”.

So what can we look forward to in the future if “thunderthighs” continues to pursue a lifestyle similar to that of the battleship-straddling plastic-faced pop pensioner? While we can only hope that Britney comes up with a phrase as good as “that sucks out loud”, which Cher invented and remains her crowning glory (along with the original of ‘Take Me Home’, which has been hideously neutered and diluted by Sophie Ellis-Bextor on the rhombus-headed one’s forthcoming album), the prospects are worrying.

We can expect her to marry a diminutive, weasel-faced hippie, make a rubbish TV show with the idiot which will inexplicably take America by storm, release a series of tedious singles about how much in love they are, divorce him, possibly have an affair with a gay entertainment mogul, paradoxically wear less and less clothes the saggier and more cellulite-mottled she becomes, make an excruciating film with Bob Hoskins (but, eventually, we must all make a shit film with Bob Hoskins), and then ‘discover’ the vocoder. Come 2040 she’ll look younger than she does now.

Liam Gallagher and Nicole Appleton are to get hitched “in the next few weeks”, after deciding that baby Gene deserved married parents. According to The Sun it could be as soon as “early August”. Just enough time for the snappers to brush up their Tae Kwon Do skills…

Meanwhile, those Ever Vigilant 3am Girls reveal how Geri pees in a cup before she goes on stage. That’s nothing though. Elton John shits in a bag before performing ‘Candle In The Wind’. Allegedly.

claims “the ghosts applaud when I finish”), we can only assume that at some point in about 1974 scores of spotty, sexually-frustrated teenage boys for whom the Bay City Rollers had got “well nancy” inexplicably died in the Elizabethan manor house. In a similar story, it was revealed that most of Mel B‘s audience was equally non-existent.

And finally, the Express reports that Ernie Abold won the annual buffalo dung-throwing championship, throwing a lump of crap 94 feet. 12 year old John Francis finished second. It was, everyone agreed, a complete shitshow.

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