MAKE IT QUEASY ON YOURSELF

Madonna turns the air blue, Paul McCartney gets a tongue-lashing, and Britney Spears attempts to cheat death...

Sir Paul McCartney has agreed to perform at a literary festival for the fee of a case of wine, according to The Mirror. Macca will be reading from his volume of poetry, ‘Blackbird Singing’, at the University of East Anglia next month. A professor of English at a very exclusive university, who has asked us to maintain his anonymity, said: “For fuck’s sake, he’s lucky to get the wine. Until a couple of years ago, the poet laureate got a sodding case of sherry (I can’t believe you avoided a ‘butt of sack’ joke there – Poetry Ed) for being the country’s top poet, with the amazing ability to turn minor events in the royal family’s piteous existence into epic feats by weaving beautiful words into rhyme and metre. McCartney is a sad old twat who’s lost the knack of writing pop songs, tried his hand at classical and failed, and thinks he can write poetry. Well, he can’t. If one of my students handed in anything half as bad as ‘Blackbird Singing’, I’d humiliate them in academia. I’d also try to brain the moron, but I suspect someone beat me to it years ago.”

Elsewhere, Madonna, star of screen, pop charts and pearly king’n’queen revues, has revealed yet another talent in The Daily Record. She has stunned comedy critics the world over with her interpretations of Britney Spears songs – and you may want to sit down before we tell you what the self-regarding comic genius has come up with. Are you ready? “Poops! I Shit It Again”. We anticipate the release of ‘Carry On Madonna‘ early next year.

On the other side of the pop coin, Britney Spears is now terrified of using commercial planes since the US terrorist attacks, and has decided to use a private jet for all future flights, The Sun reports. We have nothing to add, apart from “Aaliyah”. And “Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and The Big Bopper”.. And “John Denver”. And “Patsy Cline”. And “Otis Redding”.

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