TABLOID HELL – JULY 11 2001

Plus - Emma Bunton's secret police fetish, David Gray's good deed and a slice of ham rage...

Britney‘s been playing away.

According to the Star, she has been canoodling in a bar in LA with Justin Murdoch, heir to a £70 million pineapple chunks fortune. “She and Murdoch couldn’t keep their hands off each other,” an ‘onlooker’ says. “They were touchy-feely and giggling the whole time.”

However, there is more to this tale than meets the eye. Britney‘s boyfriend is also called Justin. And he is believed to like pineapple, particularly on a slice of gammon or a pizza. Not only that, but Britney was accompanied by a lookalike in order to confuse stalkers. Tabloid Hell has learned that the lookalike was also accompanied by a lookalike to confuse the stalker’s stalker. It worked, incidentally. While the stalker stalked for a time he eventually got confused and left in order to find Aguilera. He was heard muttering “Bloody Britney, you give her time, lots of time, write letters, send flowers, send the bones of dead animals, draw pictures in your own blood and excrement and what do you get in return… the brush off, the ‘sorry, I’m calling the police’. How bloody precious.” The stalker’s stalker decided the stalking life wasn’t for him and decided to give it up and move into hairdressing. He’s particularly good at perms and highlights, apparently.

for a time, but let that go as she thought they were a ‘bit soft’.

The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls today report that David Gray was spotted helping two old ladies into a car “in Stoke Newington.” They also break the exclusive on Michael Jackson‘s new album content. As if.

Finally, a man in Grasmere in upstate New York became a little annoyed at how a shop assistant was slicing his ham. So he threw a brick at him. He thought the ham was too thick. Despite the assistants attempts to thin it some, it was all in vain. The brick caused some bruising.

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