TABLOID HELL – JANUARY 26

Plus - Adam Rickitt - honest! And old warbler Celine Dion's had a sprog! Woo-hoo!...

See?! We were right!! Adam Rickitt WAS crap! “Pop was pap says Adam” in the Daily Star, where he confesses that he didn’t enjoy his failed assault on the charts last year, which ended in unceremonious dumping of the Coronation Street wimp turned, er, feeble chart flop. “The pop thing was a bit of a let-down,” whines raunch-free zone Rickitt. “When I joined I thought ‘Great, it’s going to be sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll.’ By the end of the promotion for the last single I knew I wasn’t enjoying it. It was like giving blood.” What, you get a custard cream biccy and a cup of tea afterwards?

Get yer motor running… ooh, she’s a bad girl that Britney. Not content with turning the air blue backstage with her four-letter strop at the Rock In Rio festival, which is snowballing into a page lead in some of the papers today and has reportedly been posted on Napster (hm…), she’s now spent 60,000 dollars at a biker’s shop in Los Angeles on biker gear. Speaking of Hell’s angels…

as a rehearsal studio.”

Still on the horror trip, the Mirror has sacrificed its entire page three to a review of the Marilyn Manson gig in London the other night, billing it “the strangest concert of the year”. “In my pinstripes and college tie, I really stood out from the rest of the crowd,” says Kevin O’Sullivan. Yes, but the fishnets, basque and eyeliner fitted right in, eh? “Pounding guitars, hammer horror keyboards and bam bam drums compete with Manson’s creaky old hag-like voice which bares an uncanny similarity to Mr Punch’s wife Judy. Nevertheless I enjoyed several of the songs… it was simply good, unclean fun.”

Speaking of things Satanic, Westlife have topped their Mariah Carey collaboration by persuading Claudia Schiffer to sell her soul to them and she’s to appear in their cover version of Billy Joel’s ‘Uptown Girl’. Now that really is hellish.

Skinny puppy Celine Dion has dropped her sproglet Rene-Charles three weeks early. She and slap-headed hubby Rene, who’ve undertaken in-vitro fertilisation, couldn’t wait for the Valentine’s Day celebration. Baby weighed in last night at 6lb 3oz.

After 30 years, it has emerged that charges of obscenity levelled against John Lennon after sketches of him and Yoko were put on display in a London art gallery in 1970 were based on just one measly formal complaint from a housewife who took exception to the sight of them having oral sex. The Daily Express reported that: “Only Surrey housewife Mrs Nanci Creer, 48, was prepared to make a statement. She said: ‘I was stunned. I couldn’t believe what I was looking at. I felt I couldn’t stay any longer’.”

The case was thrown out of court, but the police insisted they had to bring the prosecution because of the huge influence the Beatle had on young people.