TABLOID HELL – MARCH 21

Plus - Dido's buttons fetish, Five's Ritchie wishes Billie and Chris all the best, and Atomic Kitten welcome a young child into the world...

While S Club 7 rot in moral turpitude, a certain Pastor David Kelly is intent on preventing similar shameful decline among one of his own.

According to this morning’s Daily Star (March 21), the Southern Baptist preacher from Kentwood, Louisana is keen to look after the moral fibre of Britney, a one-time member of his congregation. Pastor Kelly, you see, ‘has become increasingly concerned at her rock ‘n’ roll attitudes’. “Smoking and drinking isn’t what Christ wanted,” rages the incensed holy man, obviously momentarily forgetting the wedding feast at Canna and the Last Supper, “It is disobedient. If Britney does things which are not in accordance with the scriptures, God will chastise her.” God has yet to comment on the chastisement allegation.

Maintaining the beatific backbone and upstanding nature of today’s Tabloid Hell is Five’s Ritchie Neville. Bearing no bad will towards his former love Billie Piper, with whom he split at Christmas, the ever-grinning one with the strangely darkened eyelashes tells The Star he wishes nothing but good luck to her and her new squeeze. “Everyone’s asking me about her and Chris Evans, but it’s nothing to do with me. If they’re happy, that’s cool.”

,” he pleads, “If the opportunity arose, I’d definitely be up for it.”

Meanwhile, Pastor Kelly would be up in arms to hear about the disgraceful antics of Dido. According to The Sun, she and her friends have a curious way of behaving during nights out. “My friends and I went into this club once and I headed straight for this guy, bit all the buttons off his shirt, then walked away,” she shamelessly admits. No doubt bad boy rapper Eminem had something to do with turning that girl’s head.

Elsewhere, The Mirror reports on the labour and birth pains of new mother Debbie Redmond. Heavily pregnant Debbie went along to an awards ceremony at Dublin’s Point Depot on Friday in order to see Atomic Kitten perform. However, despite going into labour before the trio took to the stage, Debbie insisted on waiting until they had performed ‘Whole Again’. She gave birth to a boy. The Kittens sent chocolates.

Finally, several of the red tops report on the ingenious antics of dishwasher Abraham Aballah. Using a series of complex technological devices, post office boxes, false addresses, web-enabled cell phones and virtual voice-mails, Abraham allegedly stole millions from the secure bank accounts of the world’s rich and famous. Steven Spielberg, George Lucas and Oprah Winfrey were amongst those who he targeted. Due to appear in court later this month, he plans to plead not guilty.

And spare a thought for 60-year-old Dennis Tito, who has had his holiday plans thwarted by hard-hearted holiday chiefs, according to The Sun. Mr Tito has paid #14 million to be the first civilian to take a break in space. He had planned to travel with two Russian cosmonauts aboard a Soyuz rocket on a Russian/US mission on April 30. But when he showed up for training at a NASA base in Houston he was told there wasn’t enough time for preparation for the flight. Tabloid Hell is unaware of the refund policy.